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Thursday, March 25, 2010

Where did my baby boy go?

Over the last few months Ben has finally started talking more. Now over the last few days it's been a vocabulary explosion. I've been working really hard with him. Between that and his therapies it seems to be helping. The vocabulary alone makes him seem so much more grown up.

It's not just the words though. He's becoming so much more independent and playing more like an older kid. Today he completely undressed himself. He's been able to get pants, diaper and socks off for a while but for the first time today he got his shirt off. Then he ran to his room and started getting clothes out. He said "I dessed" meaning he wanted to get dressed.

Later he got on all fours and crawled around the house barking and saying "I dog." He's loved his cars for a long time now but now he's much more interactive with them. He even names them. He'll park one and say "oh Mama home." Then he does the same thing with other cars and calls them Dada, Jill, RJ and whoever else pops into his head.

It's so amazing to watch this progression but it's a little sad too. It's like each day a little more of my baby slips away. I know that's how it's supposed to go but it still makes me a bit sad. He sure is fun right now though. He makes me laugh every single day. My poor parents probably get tired of me because I'm always calling to tell them the latest Ben story. The one from tonight was hilarious but I'll keep that one to myself because it would be potentially embarrassing for him some day.

Well it's time to feed the baby that is actually still my baby and to peek in on my baby who isn't quite my baby any more.

Monday, March 8, 2010

They love you anyway

Kids seem to have this amazing ability to do something that few others can. They love you no matter what. They don't care that you aren't dressed in the top fashions, they don't care that you don't drive an expensive car, they don't care if your hair is a mess and that you don't have any makeup on. They just love you plain and simple.

Even on the days when I've lost my patience with Ben and haven't taken the time with him that I should he loves me anyway. I experienced that today. Jillian had a doctor's appointment for her 4 month checkup. She got several shots and was not a happy baby later at home. She screamed for well over an hour. She's normally pretty easy to soothe but this time she was inconsolable. I had tried everything I could think of and finally called the doctor's office. I was on the phone with the nurse while Jillian was literally screaming in my other ear. I was absolutely at my breaking point. Of course Ben picked that exact moment to start shaking his cup in my face yelling at the top of his lungs "more juice mama more juice" and he repeated it over and over again. I told him to please wait a minute. He kept asking and just yelled louder and louder. I got off the phone with the nurse and yelled at Ben. He ran to his room in tears and right away I wished I could take it back. I know he was probably just as frustrated by the baby's crying as I was and I wasn't fair to him.

I apologized and got him his drink. The rest of the day continued to be tough. Ben was a particularly active 2 year old today. The noise level in the house was more than I could take. I was on the edge. I was tired and stressed. I wasn't nearly as patient with him today as I should have been.

Then bedtime rolled around and all I could think was "finally, some peace and quiet." Normally, Jeremy puts Ben to bed because I'm often feeding the baby. Lately though, Ben has wanted me to read to him instead of Jeremy. Tonight was no exception. He seemed to forget all about my rotten Mommy moments from today. He grabbed 2 books and my hand and lead me to his room. He happily snuggled up next to me and we read. After the stories were over he snuggled up and put his forehead to mine. He reached up and stroked my cheek as I've done so many times to him. At that moment it was so very clear to me that he loves me. He loves me in spite of my flaws. He loves me even when I'm not the very best mom that I should be. I love that little boy. I love him much more than I ever thought I could love and in more complex ways than I ever thought were possible.

Monday, March 1, 2010

One of Those Days

Ben got sick again this weekend and threw up for his very first time ever. I've always hated puke but for some reason this didn't bother. I think it's because all I was worried about was making sure he was okay and trying to comfort him. Poor baby was so scared.

He seemed better today and finally got his appetite back somewhat. However, he was incredibly whiny today. He normally does very well when I have to comfort Jill or feed her but today every time I held her he whined. He whined all.day.long.

I had Jeremy give him a bath and put him to bed early tonight because I just couldn't take it anymore. Between the two of them today I thought I'd lose my mind.

Jeremy and I were going to go to a movie yesterday but we didn't because Ben was sick. Now that he's better we're going to try to go tomorrow. This will be the first time we'll have gone anywhere without at least one kid since Jillian was born.

My parents are going to watch the kids. I'm so grateful but I'm nervous too. It'll be the first time that I've left her other than to run to the store for a few minutes and even then she was home with Jeremy. I know they'll take good care of her but being separated from her makes me feel a little panicky.

I really need the break though. Really.