Teething Time!

For the last few days Jillian has been a bit fussy (which is unusual for her) and she's been waking a lot at night. I figured it was probably a growth spurt because she has been eating more. Teething didn't really occur to me. When Ben was teething he'd always get red rashy cheeks and Jillian hasn't had anything like that.

I was getting frustrated with the fussing yesterday and felt around in her mouth and NOTHING. Her gums didn't look any different than they did over the last few weeks. Just for the heck of it I checked again this morning and again NOTHING.

Well tonight I gave her a bath and she was fussing afterward which is really unusual for her. She loves bath time and is usually all smiles during and after her bath. So I stuck my finger in her mouth again and BAM! TOOTH! Where'd that sucker come from? I felt it though in all it's jagged toothy glory!

At first I danced her around all excited about my discovery! I covered her in kisses and told her that she really was a big girl now. Wait....what? A big girl now? How can that be? Didn't I JUST bring her home from the hospital? Then came the tears. Jeremy looked at me like I was nuts but I couldn't help it.

I wish life came with a pause button or at least a button to turn things to slow motion. Both kids are really just growing up to fast! Make it stop. The milestones are so much fun and they are exciting but they are also a little bittersweet.

So now of course everyone is curious about how nursing will go now that she's teething. As far as I know most women don't have any problems so I guess we'll see.

The Mommy Wars

One of the morning shows (Good Morning America or The Today Show) did a story about this this morning. I knew exactly what they meant because they were talking about online mommy wars. We often hear about cyber bullying involving teens but surprisingly (or maybe not surprisingly) it often occurs between grown women and those grown women are most often moms.

I'm part of several online groups. It's part of what helps keep me from losing my mind. I love being home with the kids but I do need some adult interaction and that's how I get it! Anyway, in the years that I've been a part of the online community I've seen my fair share of mama drama. (I may or may not have taken part on occasion....I admit nothing).

Unfortunately, there are moms out there who seem to enjoy cutting other moms down in order to make themselves feel better. They practically beat other moms over the head with their opinions and judgments. It can be tough on a postpartum mom especially. I know I've been guilty of it a time or two and now I really try harder to watch what I say. Being a mom isn't easy and I don't want to make it harder for anyone.

I have to admit though that I tend to become Judgey McJudgerson when it comes to certain things. There are some things that I'll just never understand. I don't understand when people just let their babies cry to try to teach them a lesson. I am by no means a perfect mom but my kids know when they cry that I'll be there. It doesn't matter if it's the middle of the night. It's my job and my pleasure to soothe away the bad dreams, nurse them through a fever or hold them just because they need to be held. Yes, I do believe babies and young children NEED to be held just like they need to eat and sleep.

I also feel myself channeling Judge Judy when people are extremely harsh with their children and expect more from them then they should. There are so many people who seem to be in such a rush for their children to grow up. Hence the rush to force them to sleep through the night, hold their own bottle (don't get me started on bottle propping) and start solid foods. Babies are little for such a short time. I don't understand when moms don't want to soak up that baby time.

I know that no matter what I do I'll screw up in some way or another. We all do. Then once the kids are teenagers we can't do anything right! I have enough of my own mommy guilt so I don't need another Mommy adding to that and I don't need to add to it for anyone else either.

Being a mom is such a special thing. It's a shame that it often turns into a competition.

A Whine About Whining

Yes, you read that title correctly. I am about to whine about whining. You, however, are very lucky. If you don't want to read my whining you can click that awesome little red X at the top of your screen and *POOF* the whining goes away. Unfortunately for me, kids don't come with that handy little red X. There's no magic button on a child to make them stop whining. Believe me I've tried to find one.

Today was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (if you've never read Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day you should definitely check it out). It started out okay. Jillian was smiling and laughing which never fails to put a smile on my face even early in the morning when I'm still clearing sleep crust from my eyes. Ben was cuddly and happy. The three of us snuggled on the couch to watch Handy Manny (which is much less annoying than Caillou).

Then the whining started. First it was for a snack. No problem, he'd eaten breakfast and was still hungry. I don't let him have junk early in the morning so I suggested some healthy snacks. This resulted in him yelling "No mama" over and over again until I wanted to grab the nearest kitchen utensil and puncture my ear drums. I finally got him to agree to a cheese stick. *Score one for me and the Polly-O company* He inhaled the cheese stick and then played for a while. I made the mistake of thinking all was good.

It was time for the baby to nap and even though it was early yet Ben was ready to nap as well. He wanted me to lay with him so we all snuggled up in his bed and I nursed Jillian. She fell asleep and he was almost asleep. Then she woke up after 2 minutes which got him all irritated. I took her to the living room and he refused to stay in bed. Fine. I nursed her some more and she was sound asleep...or so I thought. She suddenly popped her eyes open and turned her head towards me and smiled as if to say "haha Mommy I fooled you."

Ben finally napped and Jillian continued to refuse. I fed her and fed her and she was still fussing. I finally decided to try some brown rice cereal. This was pretty much her first time having solids. Well she scarfed that stuff down like you wouldn't believe and was much happier afterward. She fell asleep for about 20 minutes and was then wide awake again.

Ben had speech therapy today and it went well at first. He fell apart the last 15 minutes though. Even his therapist noticed his total attitude change. So he spent the last bit of therapy time in his bed crying because I sent him there. The whole afternoon just went downhill from there. Everything was a battle that turned into a fit of whining.

When Jeremy walked through the door he barely made it to the living room when I said "Hi, I'm clocking out for a break. If anyone so much as touches the bedroom door I may have to divorce you." I laid down and was asleep in minutes. I needed that.

The evening didn't go any better. Even Jeremy, who is Mr. Laid Back, had lost his patience with Ben. We finally sent him to bed at 7:45 which is early for him but we just couldn't take it anymore. Jillian was good this evening though. I gave her a bath which is one of her favorite things. She just lays there staring up at me and smiling. Ben has already woken up whining once. We'll see how the rest of the night goes.

I think I'll move to Australia. (again read the above mentioned book)

Nap Time...Oh Glorious Nap Time

I love my children. I love cuddling with them on the couch every morning. I love getting them dressed and ready for the day. I love playing games and attacking them with the "tickle bug." I even love making lunch for Ben (except when he picks something, I make it and then he refuses to eat). I also love nap time.

Some days they both nap at the same time. Actually most days their naps at least overlap some. There are days when I try to take a nap during their nap time. That rarely works out though but when it does I crash on the couch or better yet I nap with Ben. He is a good nap buddy. He's such a snuggle bug.

Most days though I try to get something to eat and I get some uninterrupted non guilty computer time. I usually do some laundry or get a few of the quieter chores done. I can't do anything noisy because both of them are light sleepers so anything that makes much noise is out of the question.

I have to admit that I do look forward to nap time. The hardest thing for me when it comes to being a mom is the noise level. I've never done well with lots of noise. I've never even been the type who likes to blast music. I don't like loud parties and loud places. For some reason it makes me feel panicky and that's actually something I've never really admitted to anyone other than my husband. Concerts I can usually handle but even then by the end I'm usually very ready for it to be over. Working in classrooms was hard for me too because of the noise that 20-some young children can create.

So once nap time rolls around my brain and my ears are ready for a break. I feel the same way at night by the time everyone goes to bed. Once they all go to sleep (Jeremy included) I turn off the TV and just soak up the silence. It's the quietest time of the day and I need that.

Nap time should be ending in a few minutes. I can hear both of them stirring. I'm ready for the flurry of activity that will follow though. Waking up from naps usually brings demands for diaper changes and snacks. Then the count down to Daddy coming home begins!

Things No One Tells You

When you're pregnant everyone loves to chime in their 2 cents giving you lots of advice. Some of it's useful, some is completely outdated and some makes you think "umm no thanks I wouldn't want my kid to turn out like yours." Even with all of that advice (most of it unsolicited) there are so many things no one ever tells you.

For instance no one ever told me that when my kid was sick or hurt I'd desperately wish that I could take the pain instead or that the worry I felt may actually cause me physical pain and illness.

No one ever really described the fierce protection I would feel for my children. It's almost animalistic in nature.

I was never told that I'd never sleep as soundly as I did before I had children. Now one ear stays awake listening for a middle of the night cry or cough.

No one ever told me that I'd turn into one of "those" parents who thinks that their kid is the most super awesome creature to ever walk the planet. For those of you who don't know my kids really are the most awesome and amazing creatures to ever walk the planet (okay well Jillian doesn't walk yet but you get the point).

No one told me that the sight of my child sleeping peacefully or accomplishing something for the very first time would often bring me to tears.

They forgot to tell me about the internal tug of war that would go on inside me when it comes to letting my children grow up and assert some independence. On one hand I love watching their sense of accomplishment and it feels good knowing that they are growing and learning but on the other hand I know that with each step they take it's one more step away from being my baby.

The other thing that no one ever told me is how being a mother would make me feel so much more compassion for other mothers. Stories of sick children or children who have died have always made me sad. Now when I hear those stories not only do I think of the child but one of my first thoughts is "that poor mother."

I've been wondering why no one ever told me these things. I think maybe it's because there are no adequate ways to describe them. There is no way to fully describe the fierce love that I feel for my children. It's really something that you have to experience for yourself.

It's a Two Blog Night

Siblings

I've never really known how to answer when people ask me how many siblings I have. Generally, I answer that I have one but that's not really the truth. I have two. I'm actually the middle child but I didn't grow up that way. I had a sister but never got to meet her. She died before I was born and my daughter is now named after her. It was kind of my way of getting a little piece of her back. If Angels really do exist I hope that my sister is one and that she is watching over her little namesake.

I wish I had had a chance to meet my sister. I've only seen pictures though and I actually think my daughter looks a bit like her. Both of my kids have her forehead. Sounds weird but it's true. I always find myself wondering what she'd be like and if we'd have been close. I have a brother too and he and I are quite a bit different so I wonder if she would have been more like me or more like him or perhaps completely different as well. I love my brother and he's an awesome little brother but we don't spend much time together because we are at very different places in our lives. He's super busy with work and church and I'm busy with the kids and husband. I love him though and think of him a lot even when we haven't caught up with each other lately.

I was in JC Penneys yesterday and saw a bib that said "My Auntie loves me." I felt kind of sad when I saw it because my kids don't really have an aunt. They'll never know my sister just like I never knew her. Jeremy's brother has a wife who technically speaking is their aunt but she barely qualifies as a human being let alone an aunt and has never really even met either of my children. Anyway, I was actually tempted to buy the bib because I like to think that if my sister had lived that she would have loved them just like I like to think that if she had lived she would have loved me and I would have loved her.

I've always thought about her and anyone who has known me since I was a kid knows that I've always planned to name my first daughter Jillian after my sister. That's part of the reason that I wanted a girl so badly. Now that I have my own little Jillian I find myself thinking of my sister more often. I think about it a lot actually. Maybe if she had lived I wouldn't exist but I tend to not think of it that way. I find myself wondering why I was robbed of having my older sister and why my parents were robbed of being able to watch their first born daughter grow up. As a parent myself now that idea hits me even harder. I always knew that what they had to have gone through was really hard but now that I have my own kids the loss that my parents went through is enough to make my heard break into a million pieces.

So I think if anyone else ever asks me how many siblings I have I may change my answer. Instead of saying one I'll say "I have two. One in the flesh and one who lives in my heart." Even though I never met her I do feel that she lives in my heart.

It Hurts My Mommy Heart

I complain about my kids. Everyone knows that. I think most parents complain about their kids at some point or another. Sometimes, as a parent, we have a bad day and need to vent a little. I do it and completely understand when other people do it.

I even affectionately name call. I call both of them Stinker or StinkyPants when they need a diaper change. I've referred to them as Cranky or said they have their CrankyPants on when they were having a cranky day. That's pretty much as far as I'll take the name calling though.

Recently, I've seen more than one person referring to their children as "assholes," "bitch" and a "little jerk." There was another name but it was pretty specific so I won't mention it here but it and the others really made me cringe. It's not like I've never used those words. I've used those words in reference to people before but never in reference to a child and certainly never in reference to my own child. Hearing or reading someone refer to their child that way just really hurt my "mommy heart."

Do I have bad days? Of course. Do my children drive me crazy some days? You betcha! (make sure you read that with a Sarah Palin accent) Do I vent about them and complain when I'm having a bad day? You're darn right. However, I absolutely draw the line at name calling like that.

Technology is awesome. Except when it's not. For me I have FaceBook, my mom's message board and of course this super nifty blog and they're all great places to vent my frustrations to people who can offer a bit of comfort, advice or some other thing that makes me feel better. While these electronic outlets can be wonderful they can have a huge disadvantage. Once you put something out there you can't get it back. So that day that your toddler flushed your phone down the toilet and then wiped his chocolate covered face all over your couch and you go and blast him on the internet calling him an asshole will be out there forever. Said "asshole" child may even find it on his or her own some day. I can't imagine finding out that my parents had said something like that about me.

The insults that I read earlier that were made in reference to young children (and I do mean YOUNG) just really felt like they socked me in the gut. It also made me realize that I really should be careful when I complain about my own children because even though I'd never refer to them that way I also wouldn't want them to grow up and think that all I ever did was complain when they were bad. I want them to know how much the good things meant to me as well. So I'll definitely make a conscious effort to post more about those things.

Some days....

Some days I don't feel like a very good mom. I complain about the kids and I let the stress get to me. I don't always have the patience with them that I should and I really need to do better.

I love staying home with them but there are days that I feel like I'd give anything to get out of the house alone for 8 hours. Most days I love being home with them but there are days when I don't. This week has been rough with both of the kids being sick. I'm so lucky to be able to be the one home to hold and comfort them instead of having to send them to daycare but sometimes it wears me down.

When they are sick like this I can't seem to keep everyone happy at the same time. Then I end up feeling guilty and worn out. It doesn't help that Jeremy also has a cold. That means that other than for work he doesn't really function. Last night I had to take dinner out to play because Jeremy didn't feel up to it. The baby was sleeping so I asked him to make dinner while I played out with Ben. I came back in and he hadn't cooked anything because he said he didn't know what to cook. So I cooked dinner. Then I did the dishes and several loads of laundry. All the while I was getting interrupted by both kids. I gave both of them a bath and got them ready for bed. I changed the sheets on our bed. You know what he did while I did all of this? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Now I know he didn't feel good and it's not like I expected him to run a marathon or to even do all of the things he'd normally do in an evening. What I didn't expect was for him to do nothing. I don't have that option when I'm sick. I've been really sick twice since having Jillian. Luckily I have great parents who help me out but that still doesn't mean I can lay around and do nothing. They may take Ben for me but they can't take the baby. They would but they can't because I nurse her so obviously they can't help with that!

*Skip this paragraph if you don't want to hear gross stuff* The last time that I was sick I was vomiting and had it coming out the other end. I had to have the baby sitting in her bouncy seat in the bathroom with me so I couldn't comfort her while I waited to puke or while I regathered my energy to get up after puking. I had to nurse her while I went to the bathroom. Good thing she's not old enough to remember that.

I'm a mom though and that's my job. I don't know why it isn't always the same for Dads. I know what you're thinking....Susan was just playing martyr right? Nope. He knew I was annoyed and he knew why I was annoyed. I did ask him for help. I didn't do it all and then complain later. I asked him to give Ben a bath (he was covered in dirt). He said "it's not bath night" (he usually gets a bath every other night). I told him that he was covered in dirt. Not to mention that Ben was on the floor having a temper tantrum because he wanted a bath. But no. He was not to be disturbed apparently. So I gave him a bath. Once his hair and body were washed I let him play in the tub while I cleaned the bathroom.

Jeremy went to bed as soon as Ben was asleep and I followed behind not to long after. I nursed Jillian back to sleep but she kept waking up coughing. So I kept her in bed with me so I could sit her up. She fussed and fussed. Finally around 3:30 I sat her up to try burping her some more. Bad idea. She pooped. A lot. Everywhere. It required Jeremy's help whether he wanted to or not. I had to hold her at arms length while he got a towel to lay her on while I stripped her clothes. Then he held her out while I showered her off. Then he went back to sleep. I finally got her back to sleep around 4 and she was awake again at 4:45 to eat. Then again at 6. Ugh.

Wow I feel better getting all of that out. Both kids are still sick but Ben seems a lot better. He's playing more and has more energy. He still doesn't have much of an appetite but we're working on it. Jillian has a cold and the poor thing coughs a lot and is all stuffy. I have to use the booger sucker which is no fun for either of us. That thing is like torture.

Anyway, I know things will get better. They won't be little and as needy forever and I'll end up looking back and missing these days. So I'm going to do my best from now on to appreciate each day for what it brings. The good and the bad. I'm very lucky and I should appreciate that more than I do.

A Mommy Divided

Ben got sick at the end of last week. He had been perfectly fine but then I guess the germs must have smelled the holiday weekend and beautiful weather coming and decided it would be the perfect time to infect my sweet little boy. It started with a slight cough and a fever and then BAM pneumonia. How it happened I still don't know. His fever shot up high enough to worry me and the Doctor. We ended up taking him to the ER Friday night and they decided to admit him because he needed some oxygen. It was late at night and the poor baby was so tired. I felt awful for him. I had to take Jillian with me because Jeremy needed some sleep for work the next day and I had to be with her anyway to feed her. So my wonderful Mom went with us.

When they decided to admit him they said that I could stay with him but the baby couldn't. Well that doesn't really work for me. Jeremy was scared to keep her alone with him at home all night because sometimes he still isn't quite sure what to do with her plus even though she'll take a bottle she sleeps better when she can nurse to sleep. I felt like I wanted to tear myself in half. I didn't want to leave Ben in the hospital without me even though Jeremy would be with him but I didn't want to leave Jillian either. I've never really had to choose between my kids before and it's not a position I ever want to be in again.

So Jeremy stayed with Ben and I took Jillian home when they took Ben to a room around 3 a.m. I slept for a bit and headed back to the hospital first thing in the morning. I walked into the room and my big boy looked so tiny in that bed. He only whined when I walked in. He didn't try to get up or anything. He was so pitiful. I handed off the baby and went to lay with him for a while. He snuggled up and went to sleep.

We later found out that they would have let me and the baby stay but the ER people forgot to tell us. I was so mad! They let us all stay Saturday night probably because there weren't many patients and Sunday was Easter. The Easter Bunny had to visit at the hospital so it wasn't a whole lot of fun and certainly not what I had planned for Jillian's first Easter but at least we were all together.

Ben is home now and doing a bit better. He wears out easily but played outside for a little while today. I knew it would wear him out but the fresh air is good for him. Now Jillian seems to be sick and Jeremy is sick and has a fever. Both kids must have been having tummy trouble today because they filled diaper after diaper. In Jillian's case she also covered the couch. That was a fun start to the day. Being a mom is wonderful but it sure can be gross sometimes.

I've said this to other people before and I stand by my statement....I think Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs should have to be a mom to little kids for a day. It's the dirtiest job ever! Boogers, pee, poop, slobber, vomit, and other unknown substances. Fun times man fun times.