Love

I've always wondered if my kids know how much I love them and if they understand exactly what love means. I tell them that I love them all of the time but how exactly do you explain to a child just what love really means?

I think Ben is starting to figure it out. Today, he and Jill were at the table eating dinner and I was at the stove making dinner for Jeremy and me. Jeremy walked over and stirred the onions that were cooking in the other pan and then he put his arms around me and kissed my cheek. Ben had turned around and was observing us and he asked "Mommy, do you love Daddy?' I told him that yes I love Daddy very much. He then asked, "You love me too, right?" I said that I loved him all the way to the moon and back and he replied, "I like that you love us so much Mommy."

I like that I love them so much, too. It feels good to have that kind of love to surround me every single day. I may get frustrated, angry and overwhelmed on a daily basis but I also feel so much love for them and from them every day. I love when Ben gets into my bed in the middle of the night and puts his arm around my neck. When I ask him why he's in my bed he tells me that it's because he loves me or that he misses me. I love when I go to his school for something and his face lights up when he sees me and he yells "MOMMY!" like I'm some kind of rock star. I love when Jill squeals with happiness when I get back from being away from her even when it's only been a few minutes. I love the way she runs up and hugs my legs and acts like she never wants to let go. I love when she snuggles up on my lap or gives me hugs and kisses without me even asking for them.

We may not have a lot of money. We may not be able to afford to give the kids countless presents for Christmas or take fancy vacations. But my kids will never go a day without feeling loved. It is my greatest gift to them. Loving their dad, my husband, is another gift to them. It's important for them to see their parents love and respect each other. I hope that it will help them in their own relationships with others some day.

The Ripple Effect of Suicide

"Some people don't appreciate what they have til it's gone." This was the final Tweet from a 16 year old girl who ended her own life last week.

Sixteen years old. The same age as my stepdaughter. I actually met her once. When Amanda was in 3rd grade we went to her class to visit. We brought snacks and read them a story, Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. We had a great time and the kids loved it. There were lots of questions about our "accents." They live in Rhode Island, we're from New Jersey. Anyway, there was a little girl named Liza in that class. I remember her. Out of all of the children in that class, she is the only one that I remember (other than Amanda obviously). She was this petite, beautiful, giggly little girl who seemed so full of life. She was excited about us being there and asked us to visit again. Seven years later and I still remember her.

How could that little girl who was so full of life no longer be living? I haven't seen her since that day. When I heard about what happened I looked her up and found her picture. She was beautiful, just as beautiful as I remembered her, only more grown up. She had the kind of beauty that turns heads.

From what I've been told, she took her life because she was being bullied. I don't know if that's the real reason or not. But then again do we ever really know the real reason(s) why someone would choose to end his or her own life? No matter how well we think we know someone we really never truly know what is going on in that person's head. Sometimes, I'm not sure we even know those things about ourselves.

I've spent this week thinking about Liza a lot. I'm saddened by the fact that she ended her life but I'm also saddened by the fact that while she was alive she was suffering so much that suicide not only became an option, it became a reality. No 16 year old girl should have to suffer that way. No person should have to suffer that way.

A girl I met only one time has had a powerful effect on me. My heart hurts for what she must have been feeling and for what her family and friends must be feeling now. Maybe it's because she was the same age as Amanda and was one of her classmates, that this has had such an effect on me. It hits close to home. Teen suicide happens a lot more often than most of us realize. Bullying has always existed but with the current technology, there seems to be no escaping it. Now bullies can taunt you in school, through texting, email, Facebook, they can Tweet it all over the world in a matter of seconds and once those words or those pictures are out there you can't retrieve them and hide them somewhere.

Something needs to be done. Now. Today. Yesterday. But what? How can you make kids understand the effect that bullying can have? How many kids need to die before people really get it?

Swiss Cheese Brain

It's been quite a long time since I've blogged. I don't know why I got away from it but I'm sure I could come up with a million excuses. But I don't have the energy for that tonight so let's just say I suck!

I've posted before about having mommy brain. I think it has progressed to Swiss Cheese brain. I can't think straight....ever it seems. It's kind of like trying to think and focus when you're just on that edge between tipsy and drunk. You know what you're thinking about but for some reason the details and edges are just a little fuzzy and when you wake up in the morning you have nothing but a vague recollection of those thoughts.

Between 2 kids, a husband, a home, pets, taking care of my business stuff and being PTO president at Ben's school I feel like I have no time to just focus on any one thing at any one time. My thoughts are incomplete and the thoughts that I do have just disappear into the black hole that my brain has become.

I forget everything. Appointments, where I'm going when I'm driving, whether or not I already put the laundry in the dryer, what I had planned to make for dinner that night, sometimes I really have to stop and think about my kids' birth dates. I have to constantly retype stuff because I go back to reread and realize it doesn't make any sense. I misspell stuff which is very unusual for me. I've always been a great speller but it's like I lost the ability.

When I first realized how bad things had gotten in my poor little mind I got worried. I started thinking "Oh my God! I have a brain tumor." That's got to be the reason that my brain has more holes than Swiss Cheese. I considered seeing a doctor and yet I expressed my fears to no one.

Then I really started to think about it and I realized that I have too much on my mind, my thoughts are always going in a million different directions, my thoughts and actions are constantly being interrupted by something else, and I don't get enough sleep. Hurray! It's not a tumah! .

So if you're ever talking to me and I seem spaced out please don't be offended. I probably fell into one of the holes in my brain and I'm busy trying to find my way back out.

My Beautiful Boy is 4!

Since it's after midnight, it's officially Ben's birthday. He is now 4 years old. Tonight when he went to bed I hugged for the very last time as a 3 year old and then I cried. I couldn't help it. He's growin up so fast.

He's becoming much more independent and wants to everything himself. He tells me that he's a big boy and that he can do it! He is still my cuddly, sweet boy though. He may wipe off my kisses now but he still loves to snuggle up on my lap or climb into our bed at night. Some nights he climbs in, gets between us and tell us "I missed you guys" and then he snuggles up and goes back to sleep. I try to appreciate each and every one of those moments because I never know when it'll be the last time. I know eventually he'll decide that he's to old to snuggle up with Mommy and when that day comes I'll miss it.

Over the past 4 years he has brought so much joy, laughter and love into my life. I never knew how fierce and powerful love could truly be until I first held him in my arms four years ago. He's so sweet and funny! He's really developing a sense of humor (he's going to need it in this family!). He's incredibly loving and sweet with Jillian. He is always hugging her, playing with her and telling her he loves her. He is the most amazing big brother I could have ever imagined.

There are days when he tests my patience (okay...it's more like every day who am I kidding), drives me crazy and does things he's not supposed to but I guess that's his job right? He's talkative like you wouldn't believe (well if you've met me you'd believe it LOL) and he's very bright. I've truly enjoyed watching him grow and learn over the past four years. This will be a big year for him. In the fall he'll be starting preschool every day. He'll get to ride a school bus and he's already very excited about that. Going to school will mean being away from home for a part of every day and making new friends. I know it'll be hard to send him off at first but I know he'll love it. He's a very social kid so I think he'll really thrive in school.

Well I better get to bed. We have lots to do tomorrow, well technically today, to celebrate the birthday boy! Happy Birthday Ben! I love you all the way to the moon and back.

I remember a time when...

I remember a time when I thought I'd never be a mom. Ever since I was little I couldn't wait to have kids. I got married fairly young. I was only 20 at the time and while I did want kids I was still in college at the time so we decided it would be best to wait for a while. I was still really young so waiting a few years didn't seem like a big deal. Little did I know how long I'd end up waiting.

A few years into our marriage I started having female troubles. I'll spare you all the details on that one. I had some blood work done and my doctor called me to come in for the results. Jeremy wasn't able to go with me so I went alone. The doctor went over the results and said I had something called PCOS (Google it) and that with my hormones as out of control as they were I'd be lucky to be able to have children using fertility drugs but it was unlikely that even that would work.

At first I was numb and in shock. I couldn't believe what I had just heard. How could all of the dreams that I'd had for my life disappear with one test result? When I got home, I cried. I did a lot of crying after that. I often hid my tears from everyone. I'd cry at night after Jeremy went to bed or I'd cry in the shower. I felt like my body was failing me to do something that was so natural to most other women and it didn't seem fair.

We didn't have the funds for fertility drugs at the time and I was still young so we figured we'd try for a while on our own just to see what happened. Month, after heart breaking, month ended the same. Not pregnant. It was stressful for both of us and yet it wasn't something we shared much with other people because it seemed private and it also seemed to make other people uncomfortable.

I remember being invited to countless baby showers in the last year of our trying. Instead of being able to share in the joy of my friends I felt a crushing sadness come over me. As everyone played games and said "Awww' over all of the cute baby things I'd sit there wondering how long it would be until I could come home and cry. When was it going to be MY turn? Would it ever by MY turn?

In September and October of '09 I had 5 showers to attend. By then I was depressed. Deeply depressed and yet I put on a happy face for everyone around me. By the last shower I felt like I was at my breaking point. I hadn't been feeling well and I thought it was a mixture of my PCOS symptoms coupled with desperation.

Little did I know that by the time I attended the last two showers I was already pregnant. The day I got that positive test is tied with my wedding day as the most exciting day of my life. It was finally MY turn! For 9 months I dreamed of what my baby would look like. I shopped, organized and reorganized while I waited. Finally, the day came. I'll never forget the moment I first held Ben in my arms. I finally knew what it was all about. I really thought my heart my burst with love.

Now, in just a few days that little boy, my beautiful little boy will turn four years old. Four years ago my dream came true and I couldn't be happier. I can't believe my baby is going to be four.

A Little Sliver of Hell

That's right a little sliver of Hell is living under the fingernail of my ring finger on my left hand. Sliver of Hell = Splinter for those of you who may not read my Facebook.

A few days ago I was irritated with my husband because he didn't take the trash out. He then piled more crap on top of the can so it was practically overflowing. In all fairness he was sick with a stomach virus and hadn't felt up to dealing with it, even so I was irritated. So I huffed over to the trash can and pushed the garbage down so I could lift the bag out without all of the funk falling out all over the place. In my process, which was filled with huffs, sighs, grumbles about having to do everything and answering a million questions from Ben, I somehow slid my finger down the door frame and ended up with the sliver of Hell under my nail. I let a few colorful words fly before I remembered that my son was standing right there (we need one of those word bleep things that they use on TV).

After a few minutes it didn't hurt so much. I tried to get the splinter out but even though I could feel it, I couldn't see it. So I left it alone. I didn't think much of it over the next few days except when I banged on something and it hurt. Well today, it suddenly hurt a lot. My finger was hot and when *gross out warning* I pushed on the side of my finger pus came out. EWWWW!

So now I have to go to the doctor tomorrow (actually today since it's after midnight). I'm still awake because I dread going to the doctor. I don't care if I have to go because I'm sick but this is different. I have a feeling it's going to involve needles (OMG) or a scalpel (double OMG). Anyone who has known me for a while knows that me no likey needles!

I'll cry like a baby I just know it. I'm a total wuss about stuff like this. I try not to be, really I do. I can't help that my heart starts racing and I feel all panicky just thinking about it. I'm a freak what can I say.

Why did it have to be my ring finger? It would have been at least a little bit funny if it had been my middle finger. Then when people ask which finger hurts I could flip them off as I showed them!

Dun Dun Dun The Dentist

I have a fear of the dentist. Most people who know me well know this. My husband actually had to drag me in once while I cried. I didn't have this fear as a child. I was young and unassuming then! When I was in my early 20's I started having problems with a wisdom tooth. It had come in funny and was causing me pain. The dentist that I went to as a kid didn't accept my new grown up person insurance so I had to find a new dentist. My old dentist would have happily give me the happy gas and things would have been so much easier. Not this new dentist. No sir, no way. This guy apparently enjoyed the sadistic torture that is dentistry.

First, this guy told me he was going to numb me up to have the tooth removed. I was expecting the gentle pinch that my old dentist would administer. I have never been so wrong. That S.O.B drove that needle straight into the roof of my mouth and I nearly went through the roof of the building with pain. I should have walked out right then but I figured since I was already numb what more could really happen. Well that guy started to yank my tooth and I wasn't completely numb yet that's what. You know how cartoons see stars above their heads when they are hurt? Yep, that was pretty much me. He then jammed a needle into my not numb at all gum. I was finally numb and he pulled the tooth. I never went back there or to any other dentist for much to long.

Now I am plagued with dental problems and my stomach just hurts to even think about going to the dentist. I do when I have to but I avoid it as much as possible. I've found a better dentist but the anxiety still gets to me.

What I hate the most about my fear is that I'll pass it along to my children. I have terrible teeth and I don't want them to have the same problems. So I've started taking them at a very young age. They both went today. Ben got his first real cleaning and he did a great job! I was so proud of him. Maybe next time I go to the dentist I'll take him with me and he can hold my hand and talk me through it. Jillian had her first ever dentist visit today and she cried and fought to get away. I totally felt her pain. I've acted similarly, only she's 16 months. I'm 30 so I guess I can't use age as an excuse for myself. Right?

*taps invisible microphone* Is this thing on?

I love my children. I love my husband. I do not like their selective hearing ability. As a matter of fact it just very well send me into one of those cozy backward jackets and into a padded cell.

Ben is the worst lately. I feel like I am talking to myself most days. I tell him to do something or to STOP doing something and I am met with *blank stare* and then he continues on either doing what I told him to stop doing or not doing what I told him to do.

I don't like to yell. I don't like to be the mean mom but some days I feel like I have no choice. I think this child has lost his mind of the last few weeks and I'm about to lose mine! Part of it is his age and I keep reminding myself that he's only testing me and this too shall pass. The other part of it though is he has the listening capabilities of his daddy. I swear that man can turn his ears off and on. I could tell him something 3 times and then later he'll say I never told him. If I counted up all of the "Huhs and whats" that came out of his mouth during our over 10 years of marriage.....well I'm not even sure I could count that high.

It's days like these that I think of how you hear about how people in many decades past had a cocktail in the evening. It was like a home version of happy hour. I'm thinking that those people must have had children and that maybe they were on to something. I should start some kind of movement to bring back Happy Hour the Home Edition.

Momzheimer's

*Just a little note* I am not in any way making fun of anyone who has Alzheimer's Disease. Just so we're clear.

I've been a mom for nearly 4 years now and I'm pretty sure my brain has deteriorated significantly since then. Just in that last sentence I had to slow down my typing and really think about how to spell deteriorated and significantly. Spelling used to be my forte. Now I find myself having to really think about how to spell words that once came easily to me.

I'm totally convinced that something happens to a woman's brain once she becomes a mom. I don't think we become less intelligent by any means but our brains function differently than they did prior to having children. I've talked to other women about this and a lot of them feel the same way.

Not only do I not spell as well as I used to, I can't seem to remember anything. I walk into a room and forget why I walked in there. I log onto the computer with the specific intent to do a particular thing and as soon as my browser opens I suddenly forget what it was I intended to do. I'll call someone to tell them something and by the time they answer the phone I cannon, for the life of me, remember why in the hell I called them in the first place.

I can't even tell you how many times I've driven right past where I intended to go because my mind is going a million miles an hour. Suddenly, I'll end up somewhere wondering "how in the world did I get here?" Tonight I was on my way to a meeting and had planned to stop at a store to get a cup of coffee on the way. I passed the store and suddenly remembered that I was supposed to stop so I had to turn around and go back.

I really think I suffer from Momzheimer's. Seriously, someone should do some real research on it. I'd love to see the difference in brain chemistry from before and after a woman has a child. I wonder if it's something that gets worse with each child that you have. If that's the case, Michelle Duggar's brain must look like a moth-eaten mess!

Post holiday let down

Once Halloween is over I start really looking forward to Christmas especially now that we have little kids in the house. I count down the days until Black Friday and I spend weeks planning my lists and where to get the best deals. I love Black Friday!

After Thanksgiving and Black Friday are over I really get started on Christmas. Even though it's a lot of work I love the final look of having all of the decorations up and the tree all lit up and pretty. The tree is always my favorite. It has been ever since I was little. I have to decorate it a particular way (thanks to my mom!) but it's something I enjoy.

I have two beautiful children and they make Christmas even better. This was the first year that our 3 year old really understood Santa and the anticipation of Christmas. He had actually asked for certain gifts and we were able to get him those things. I was so excited to see his face Christmas morning. We spent a nice Christmas Eve together. We drove around looking at lights, saw Santa, opened our new jammies and read "Twas the Night Before Christmas." After the kids went to bed we began the mad frenzy of playing Santa.

After a lot of lugging, some last minute wrapping, and rearranging Christmas had arrived under our tree. Once that was all finished Jeremy went to bed and I was able to enjoy one of my favorite moments each year. I turn off everything but the tree lights and just sit there and enjoy the multi-colored glow of the tree and the sound of peace and quiet.

Ben was every bit as excited as I thought he'd be Christmas morning. He eagerly opened his gifts as well as most of his little sister's! She mostly drank her milk and tried to figure out what was going on. His little face lit up with even the simplest of gifts. The most wished for gift this year was Thomas the Train stuff and boy did Santa deliver! Ben was in train heaven!

We spent the day with family and we played with the new toys and all too soon it was over. I was exhausted but in a good way. I didn't feel too sad yet because we still had to have Christmas with Amanda and then my in laws so I was looking forward to that. Amanda came and we enjoyed that. Ben really had a blast playing with her. All too soon she was gone again.

At least I still had New Year's to look forward too. I'm not sure why since we don't even do anything! We have little kids so we just stay home and watch TV and have some snacks. Now it's a new year and the celebrations are over.

Like every year I have some post holiday let down. It's sad that it's all over. The decorations came down today and I felt sad packing them up. I miss my tree and it's pretty glow. In some ways I'm glad Christmas only comes once a year because it does end up being so much work but it makes me a little sad knowing that I have to wait a whole year for it to come again. That means my kids will be a whole year older and I think that's the hardest part for me.

Oh well...it's 2011. Hopefully this year will bring lots of good things to those I love.