I remember a time when...

I remember a time when I thought I'd never be a mom. Ever since I was little I couldn't wait to have kids. I got married fairly young. I was only 20 at the time and while I did want kids I was still in college at the time so we decided it would be best to wait for a while. I was still really young so waiting a few years didn't seem like a big deal. Little did I know how long I'd end up waiting.

A few years into our marriage I started having female troubles. I'll spare you all the details on that one. I had some blood work done and my doctor called me to come in for the results. Jeremy wasn't able to go with me so I went alone. The doctor went over the results and said I had something called PCOS (Google it) and that with my hormones as out of control as they were I'd be lucky to be able to have children using fertility drugs but it was unlikely that even that would work.

At first I was numb and in shock. I couldn't believe what I had just heard. How could all of the dreams that I'd had for my life disappear with one test result? When I got home, I cried. I did a lot of crying after that. I often hid my tears from everyone. I'd cry at night after Jeremy went to bed or I'd cry in the shower. I felt like my body was failing me to do something that was so natural to most other women and it didn't seem fair.

We didn't have the funds for fertility drugs at the time and I was still young so we figured we'd try for a while on our own just to see what happened. Month, after heart breaking, month ended the same. Not pregnant. It was stressful for both of us and yet it wasn't something we shared much with other people because it seemed private and it also seemed to make other people uncomfortable.

I remember being invited to countless baby showers in the last year of our trying. Instead of being able to share in the joy of my friends I felt a crushing sadness come over me. As everyone played games and said "Awww' over all of the cute baby things I'd sit there wondering how long it would be until I could come home and cry. When was it going to be MY turn? Would it ever by MY turn?

In September and October of '09 I had 5 showers to attend. By then I was depressed. Deeply depressed and yet I put on a happy face for everyone around me. By the last shower I felt like I was at my breaking point. I hadn't been feeling well and I thought it was a mixture of my PCOS symptoms coupled with desperation.

Little did I know that by the time I attended the last two showers I was already pregnant. The day I got that positive test is tied with my wedding day as the most exciting day of my life. It was finally MY turn! For 9 months I dreamed of what my baby would look like. I shopped, organized and reorganized while I waited. Finally, the day came. I'll never forget the moment I first held Ben in my arms. I finally knew what it was all about. I really thought my heart my burst with love.

Now, in just a few days that little boy, my beautiful little boy will turn four years old. Four years ago my dream came true and I couldn't be happier. I can't believe my baby is going to be four.