The Ripple Effect of Suicide

"Some people don't appreciate what they have til it's gone." This was the final Tweet from a 16 year old girl who ended her own life last week.

Sixteen years old. The same age as my stepdaughter. I actually met her once. When Amanda was in 3rd grade we went to her class to visit. We brought snacks and read them a story, Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. We had a great time and the kids loved it. There were lots of questions about our "accents." They live in Rhode Island, we're from New Jersey. Anyway, there was a little girl named Liza in that class. I remember her. Out of all of the children in that class, she is the only one that I remember (other than Amanda obviously). She was this petite, beautiful, giggly little girl who seemed so full of life. She was excited about us being there and asked us to visit again. Seven years later and I still remember her.

How could that little girl who was so full of life no longer be living? I haven't seen her since that day. When I heard about what happened I looked her up and found her picture. She was beautiful, just as beautiful as I remembered her, only more grown up. She had the kind of beauty that turns heads.

From what I've been told, she took her life because she was being bullied. I don't know if that's the real reason or not. But then again do we ever really know the real reason(s) why someone would choose to end his or her own life? No matter how well we think we know someone we really never truly know what is going on in that person's head. Sometimes, I'm not sure we even know those things about ourselves.

I've spent this week thinking about Liza a lot. I'm saddened by the fact that she ended her life but I'm also saddened by the fact that while she was alive she was suffering so much that suicide not only became an option, it became a reality. No 16 year old girl should have to suffer that way. No person should have to suffer that way.

A girl I met only one time has had a powerful effect on me. My heart hurts for what she must have been feeling and for what her family and friends must be feeling now. Maybe it's because she was the same age as Amanda and was one of her classmates, that this has had such an effect on me. It hits close to home. Teen suicide happens a lot more often than most of us realize. Bullying has always existed but with the current technology, there seems to be no escaping it. Now bullies can taunt you in school, through texting, email, Facebook, they can Tweet it all over the world in a matter of seconds and once those words or those pictures are out there you can't retrieve them and hide them somewhere.

Something needs to be done. Now. Today. Yesterday. But what? How can you make kids understand the effect that bullying can have? How many kids need to die before people really get it?

Swiss Cheese Brain

It's been quite a long time since I've blogged. I don't know why I got away from it but I'm sure I could come up with a million excuses. But I don't have the energy for that tonight so let's just say I suck!

I've posted before about having mommy brain. I think it has progressed to Swiss Cheese brain. I can't think straight....ever it seems. It's kind of like trying to think and focus when you're just on that edge between tipsy and drunk. You know what you're thinking about but for some reason the details and edges are just a little fuzzy and when you wake up in the morning you have nothing but a vague recollection of those thoughts.

Between 2 kids, a husband, a home, pets, taking care of my business stuff and being PTO president at Ben's school I feel like I have no time to just focus on any one thing at any one time. My thoughts are incomplete and the thoughts that I do have just disappear into the black hole that my brain has become.

I forget everything. Appointments, where I'm going when I'm driving, whether or not I already put the laundry in the dryer, what I had planned to make for dinner that night, sometimes I really have to stop and think about my kids' birth dates. I have to constantly retype stuff because I go back to reread and realize it doesn't make any sense. I misspell stuff which is very unusual for me. I've always been a great speller but it's like I lost the ability.

When I first realized how bad things had gotten in my poor little mind I got worried. I started thinking "Oh my God! I have a brain tumor." That's got to be the reason that my brain has more holes than Swiss Cheese. I considered seeing a doctor and yet I expressed my fears to no one.

Then I really started to think about it and I realized that I have too much on my mind, my thoughts are always going in a million different directions, my thoughts and actions are constantly being interrupted by something else, and I don't get enough sleep. Hurray! It's not a tumah! .

So if you're ever talking to me and I seem spaced out please don't be offended. I probably fell into one of the holes in my brain and I'm busy trying to find my way back out.