Three Months

I haven't blogged in a while. Ben has been off from school for the summer and they keep me busy. I was also kind of in a funk for a while.

Three months ago I lost something that was very important to me. My best friend. No, nothing happened to her. She's perfectly fine as far as know. But our friendship is not fine. It's broken and I don't think it'll ever be fixed.

We've been best friends for 20 years. Twenty years. That's more than half my life. She stood by me through some tough times and I did the same for her. We met in 7th grade and while we've had some differences over the years our friendship always pulled through. From the outside we seem like very different people but there was just something about our friendship that worked.

Three months ago everything changed. I spent the day at a craft fair, Jeremy was working and my parents had the kids for the night. I talked to my BF (best friend for future reference) and she said she was having a little campfire in her yard that night and invited me over. It sounded good to me. I was looking forward to spending sometime relaxing and she and I didn't get to hang out often because we both have kids.

So I got there that night and her "friend", we'll call him DB (for douchebag) was there along with her cousin, her cousin's daughter and her BF's kids were playing nearby. Now, I had previously liked DB and had encouraged BF to be in a relationship with him. She had come from another bad relationship and this guy didn't seem so bad. He took care of his kids and had a job and seemed to treat her pretty good. Most of all he made her happy and that's what mattered most to me. Over time I realized that this guy had some anger issues along with a serious drinking problem. I stopped encouraging after that. So I wasn't real thrilled that he was there but again, she was happy so I said nothing.

We all hung out for a while and we were having a good time. He was drinking and quickly got drunker which made him run his mouth a lot. He was just completely obnoxious. Her cousin left and shortly before she left I found out that he had hit her with the rung of a chair earlier in the evening. I won't tell more of that story because isn't my place to tell her story.

I'm sitting there talking to BF and DB keeps interrupting acting like an ass. I finally tell him to shut up so that I can talk to my friend. He rushes me from out of nowhere and shoves me out of my chair. I hit my head on the wooden chair next to me and slam my arm on the ground. It hurt. A lot! I get up off the ground and he's acting like he wants to hit me. I tell him that real men don't hit women and I make and attempt to leave but I can't get around him because he's in front of the gate. BF gets between us and she's trying to push him back and calm him down and being all sweet to him. Not once does she ask if I'm okay or show any kind of concern for me. He's telling me to "bring somebody" because he wants me to go get my husband or someone for him to fight after all of this. She finally gets him in the house. I look right at her and say "you made your choice." I knew right then and there that our friendship was over.

I've spent a lot of years watching her go through one destructive relationship after another. I supported her, listened to her cry and helped her through when her heart was broken yet again. I finally decided that I was just done. I just can't do it anymore. I just don't have it in me.

I know I made the right decision but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt and it doesn't mean that I don't miss her. I do miss her. There are times when I want to pick up the phone and call her. I'll see something funny online that makes me think of her and I want to share it with her and then I remind myself that I can't.

After all of that I've decided that my husband and my mom are all the best friend that I need. They are two people who are always there for me. I'd rather spend my time with my husband more than with anyone else in the world other than our children.

I've been really hurt before by people who I called friends. My entire senior year was a nightmare because of people that I thought were friends. That was the absolute lowest point of my life. A year that should have been filled with fun and making memories was the worst year of my life. Time heals all wounds but it sure can leave scars. I've never allowed myself to become friends with a large group of people ever again. After that and what now happened with BF I find myself holding people at arm's length. I have awesome neighbors who I consider to be friends and yet I know that a part of me is holding back in becoming really invested in these friendships because I don't want to get hurt again. I know it's wrong. They're wonderful people and lots of fun. I'm just not sure I could ever fully trust a friend again.

Losing a 20 year friendship makes me sad. She knew me better than almost anyone else. We had some really fun memories together and she really was there at times that I needed her. When all of those other "friends" decided to make my life a living hell she was there. I miss that friend. I think I'll always miss her.

I may even have let everything go if she had at least made an effort the next day to see if I was okay or to apologize for things getting out of hand but she didn't do that. To me that meant that she was clearly showing that she supported him and that hurt even more.

I wish her the best in life. I truly do. I loved her and her family. I've known her boys since they were born and I've loved watching them grow over the years. I loved her mom and the rest of her family and I wish them all well.

We get! You're the MAP! Now shut up already!

"I'm the map. I'm the map. I'm the map. I'm the MAP!"

If you have a child who is 17 or younger, chances are you've been subjected to Dora Hell at some point or other. Amanda is 17 now and Dora was just starting and gaining popularity when she was about 5 so she watched it but only for a brief (although it felt like an eternity) amount of time. It was annoying then and it hasn't changed in the 12 years that have passed since she watched it.

After suffering through the repetitive annoyingness that is Dora when Amanda was little, I vowed that I'd never let any of my kids watch it. Most kid shows are annoying to some extent but Dora takes the cake and I didn't want to have to watch it. I did okay with Ben and managed to avoid it until recently. Somehow, Jillian discovered Dora and it was love at first "Hola!" Ben decided he liked Dora as well.

Poor me. Now I spend my days trying to decide which would be more painful...watching Dora or inserting small wooden spikes under each of my toenails...Listening to that effing map or having to walk barefoot through a mixture of broken glass, rusty nails and hot coals.

It's torture I tell you! Torture! If the government wants to get confessions out of terrorists they should make them watch Dora 24 hours a day until they crack. I watched 3 episodes this morning and I was resisting the urge to call my mom and confess every bad thing I had ever done if she would just make Dora go away!

I'll bet you're thinking "But you're the adult...surely you control the remote and you can just turn Dora off and move on to something else." Oh how I wish it were that easy. I tried it today.

This was the result.

Don't they look like they've lost everything that they've ever loved? Jillian will cry for an hour for "Gora and Boops (that would be Dora and Boots for those of you who don't speak toddler). She'll have a full on, throw herself on the floor, crying, kicking, screaming tantrum. One glimpse of Dora and she's happy again.

Jillian is a bit behind in speech and has been receiving speech therapy for almost a year now. Dora has encouraged her to speak more than anyone else so I guess she isn't all bad.

My parents had to put up with the annoying crap that my brother and I liked when we were kids so I guess this is my payback!

Creepy Little Bastards

Don't worry, I'm not talking about my children! I know that's what I usually blog about but I wouldn't call my kids creepy little bastards!

I'm talking about spiders. I hate spiders. I've always hated spiders. I have nightmares about them. I don't understand people who keep big tarantulas as pets. Only an insane person would keep one of those eight legged freaks as a pet.

It's Saturday night and the kids are spending the night with Grandma and Grandpa. Jeremy works on Saturday nights so it's my time to get somethings done with no interruptions. I enjoy a little peace and quiet. I was having a nice evening. I cleaned most of the evening. I decided to go take a shower before Jeremy gets home from work. It's not often that I get to take one without having to listen to a kid trying to beat the door down or having someone say "Mommy I have to pee!!!!" the second I step under the water. When I don't have to rush I don't have to make the tough decision "Do I wash my hair or shave my legs because I only have time to do one of those things before all hell breaks lose."

So tonight I was looking forward to my peaceful, relaxing shower. I turned the water on and got it to just the right temperature. I stepped into the tub and turned to close the shower curtain behind me when I spotted it. The spider. He was quickly crawling on the wall of my bathroom headed straight for my peaceful shower. Crap! I was already soaking wet from the shower and because I had just dyed my hair yesterday, color was still coming out so I was dripping hair dye all over the shower. I grabbed my towel, threw it on the floor so I didn't drip dye everywhere, grabbed a washcloth and tried to kill the spider. Fail. I managed to knock it off the wall and it disappeared. Great. Just great. Now that spider was in hiding while it plotted its revenge against me.

I got back into the shower but couldn't stop thinking about how this spider was probably burrowing into my clothes and laying eggs filled with creepy little spider babies. I knew I had to get out and find it. So once again I was faced with the decision...do I wash my hair or shave my legs? The hair won out because I had to rinse more dye out (had a little mishap with the shower head yesterday when I tried to do it and had to resort to the kitchen sink sprayer).

I got out and dried off while scanning the bathroom for any signs of the spider who was surely going to murder me. I finally spotted it crawling back up the wall. I grabbed my weapon of choice...a washcloth, took a deep breath, let out a little squeal and squished the little effer! I threw the whole washcloth in the trash and slammed the lid!

I'm sure I'll have nightmares about that stupid spider tonight!

Getting old

It happens to all of us. I remember being in high school and thinking that people who were in their 30's seemed so old. I was right. I'm almost 32 and I feel like that is old. When I was 21 or 22 I felt all grown up. Not it seems like someone who is 21 or 22 is just a kid! I didn't want to be thought of as a kid at that age.

For the last couple of years I've gone back to the job that I had as a teenager. I know you probably just hopped right on your high horse and felt all superior when you read that right? Well, it's a job and it's a job that works well for my family. They work around my schedule and I only work a couple of days a week for a few hours each day. Who says you have to be a teenager to serve ice cream? I make better money doing that than I would at any other part time job. I like the job overall and I like the people. My mom has been there running the place for years. She got started doing it when my brother and I were kids for the same reason that I do it. It worked well for our family.

What really gets me though is working with young girls. What made me feel really old is when I realized that I was already working there when these girls were born. That's right, when I was 15 years old and working there some of these girls were just being born. Umm....wait.....HOW DID I GET THIS OLD???? I swear I think I just blinked and 10 years disappeared.

This year Jeremy and I will be celebrating our 12th anniversary. Twelve years! That's how long it takes to get through all of your years of school. Twelve years of school seemed like it took forever but 12 years of marriage just flew by! How could I possibly be old enough to have been married for 12 years? Surely, Jeremy must have robbed the cradle and married me before I was even legal right?

I know in the long run that 31 one really isn't that old. I know that one day I'll look back and think of 31 as young and I think that I was pretty damn silly to think that 31 was old but right now, when my back and feet are hurting, I feel old.

New Year's Resolutions

I will exercise, eat right and lose weight. *Oh crap, I just ate like 5 cookies. So much for that one*
I will spend less time on the computer. *Uhh...I'm blogging right now so there goes that one*
I will be more patient with the kids *OMG They're screaming so loud that I'm sure the neighbors think I'm murdering them...so much for patience*

Oh screw that whole resolution thing. Does anyone really stick to those things? It seems like a good way to set yourself up for disappointment. I don't need that! Who wants to start off their year disappointed in themselves? Not this girl. Resolutions are for suckers. I'm good the way that I am!

Love

I've always wondered if my kids know how much I love them and if they understand exactly what love means. I tell them that I love them all of the time but how exactly do you explain to a child just what love really means?

I think Ben is starting to figure it out. Today, he and Jill were at the table eating dinner and I was at the stove making dinner for Jeremy and me. Jeremy walked over and stirred the onions that were cooking in the other pan and then he put his arms around me and kissed my cheek. Ben had turned around and was observing us and he asked "Mommy, do you love Daddy?' I told him that yes I love Daddy very much. He then asked, "You love me too, right?" I said that I loved him all the way to the moon and back and he replied, "I like that you love us so much Mommy."

I like that I love them so much, too. It feels good to have that kind of love to surround me every single day. I may get frustrated, angry and overwhelmed on a daily basis but I also feel so much love for them and from them every day. I love when Ben gets into my bed in the middle of the night and puts his arm around my neck. When I ask him why he's in my bed he tells me that it's because he loves me or that he misses me. I love when I go to his school for something and his face lights up when he sees me and he yells "MOMMY!" like I'm some kind of rock star. I love when Jill squeals with happiness when I get back from being away from her even when it's only been a few minutes. I love the way she runs up and hugs my legs and acts like she never wants to let go. I love when she snuggles up on my lap or gives me hugs and kisses without me even asking for them.

We may not have a lot of money. We may not be able to afford to give the kids countless presents for Christmas or take fancy vacations. But my kids will never go a day without feeling loved. It is my greatest gift to them. Loving their dad, my husband, is another gift to them. It's important for them to see their parents love and respect each other. I hope that it will help them in their own relationships with others some day.

The Ripple Effect of Suicide

"Some people don't appreciate what they have til it's gone." This was the final Tweet from a 16 year old girl who ended her own life last week.

Sixteen years old. The same age as my stepdaughter. I actually met her once. When Amanda was in 3rd grade we went to her class to visit. We brought snacks and read them a story, Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. We had a great time and the kids loved it. There were lots of questions about our "accents." They live in Rhode Island, we're from New Jersey. Anyway, there was a little girl named Liza in that class. I remember her. Out of all of the children in that class, she is the only one that I remember (other than Amanda obviously). She was this petite, beautiful, giggly little girl who seemed so full of life. She was excited about us being there and asked us to visit again. Seven years later and I still remember her.

How could that little girl who was so full of life no longer be living? I haven't seen her since that day. When I heard about what happened I looked her up and found her picture. She was beautiful, just as beautiful as I remembered her, only more grown up. She had the kind of beauty that turns heads.

From what I've been told, she took her life because she was being bullied. I don't know if that's the real reason or not. But then again do we ever really know the real reason(s) why someone would choose to end his or her own life? No matter how well we think we know someone we really never truly know what is going on in that person's head. Sometimes, I'm not sure we even know those things about ourselves.

I've spent this week thinking about Liza a lot. I'm saddened by the fact that she ended her life but I'm also saddened by the fact that while she was alive she was suffering so much that suicide not only became an option, it became a reality. No 16 year old girl should have to suffer that way. No person should have to suffer that way.

A girl I met only one time has had a powerful effect on me. My heart hurts for what she must have been feeling and for what her family and friends must be feeling now. Maybe it's because she was the same age as Amanda and was one of her classmates, that this has had such an effect on me. It hits close to home. Teen suicide happens a lot more often than most of us realize. Bullying has always existed but with the current technology, there seems to be no escaping it. Now bullies can taunt you in school, through texting, email, Facebook, they can Tweet it all over the world in a matter of seconds and once those words or those pictures are out there you can't retrieve them and hide them somewhere.

Something needs to be done. Now. Today. Yesterday. But what? How can you make kids understand the effect that bullying can have? How many kids need to die before people really get it?

Swiss Cheese Brain

It's been quite a long time since I've blogged. I don't know why I got away from it but I'm sure I could come up with a million excuses. But I don't have the energy for that tonight so let's just say I suck!

I've posted before about having mommy brain. I think it has progressed to Swiss Cheese brain. I can't think straight....ever it seems. It's kind of like trying to think and focus when you're just on that edge between tipsy and drunk. You know what you're thinking about but for some reason the details and edges are just a little fuzzy and when you wake up in the morning you have nothing but a vague recollection of those thoughts.

Between 2 kids, a husband, a home, pets, taking care of my business stuff and being PTO president at Ben's school I feel like I have no time to just focus on any one thing at any one time. My thoughts are incomplete and the thoughts that I do have just disappear into the black hole that my brain has become.

I forget everything. Appointments, where I'm going when I'm driving, whether or not I already put the laundry in the dryer, what I had planned to make for dinner that night, sometimes I really have to stop and think about my kids' birth dates. I have to constantly retype stuff because I go back to reread and realize it doesn't make any sense. I misspell stuff which is very unusual for me. I've always been a great speller but it's like I lost the ability.

When I first realized how bad things had gotten in my poor little mind I got worried. I started thinking "Oh my God! I have a brain tumor." That's got to be the reason that my brain has more holes than Swiss Cheese. I considered seeing a doctor and yet I expressed my fears to no one.

Then I really started to think about it and I realized that I have too much on my mind, my thoughts are always going in a million different directions, my thoughts and actions are constantly being interrupted by something else, and I don't get enough sleep. Hurray! It's not a tumah! .

So if you're ever talking to me and I seem spaced out please don't be offended. I probably fell into one of the holes in my brain and I'm busy trying to find my way back out.

My Beautiful Boy is 4!

Since it's after midnight, it's officially Ben's birthday. He is now 4 years old. Tonight when he went to bed I hugged for the very last time as a 3 year old and then I cried. I couldn't help it. He's growin up so fast.

He's becoming much more independent and wants to everything himself. He tells me that he's a big boy and that he can do it! He is still my cuddly, sweet boy though. He may wipe off my kisses now but he still loves to snuggle up on my lap or climb into our bed at night. Some nights he climbs in, gets between us and tell us "I missed you guys" and then he snuggles up and goes back to sleep. I try to appreciate each and every one of those moments because I never know when it'll be the last time. I know eventually he'll decide that he's to old to snuggle up with Mommy and when that day comes I'll miss it.

Over the past 4 years he has brought so much joy, laughter and love into my life. I never knew how fierce and powerful love could truly be until I first held him in my arms four years ago. He's so sweet and funny! He's really developing a sense of humor (he's going to need it in this family!). He's incredibly loving and sweet with Jillian. He is always hugging her, playing with her and telling her he loves her. He is the most amazing big brother I could have ever imagined.

There are days when he tests my patience (okay...it's more like every day who am I kidding), drives me crazy and does things he's not supposed to but I guess that's his job right? He's talkative like you wouldn't believe (well if you've met me you'd believe it LOL) and he's very bright. I've truly enjoyed watching him grow and learn over the past four years. This will be a big year for him. In the fall he'll be starting preschool every day. He'll get to ride a school bus and he's already very excited about that. Going to school will mean being away from home for a part of every day and making new friends. I know it'll be hard to send him off at first but I know he'll love it. He's a very social kid so I think he'll really thrive in school.

Well I better get to bed. We have lots to do tomorrow, well technically today, to celebrate the birthday boy! Happy Birthday Ben! I love you all the way to the moon and back.

I remember a time when...

I remember a time when I thought I'd never be a mom. Ever since I was little I couldn't wait to have kids. I got married fairly young. I was only 20 at the time and while I did want kids I was still in college at the time so we decided it would be best to wait for a while. I was still really young so waiting a few years didn't seem like a big deal. Little did I know how long I'd end up waiting.

A few years into our marriage I started having female troubles. I'll spare you all the details on that one. I had some blood work done and my doctor called me to come in for the results. Jeremy wasn't able to go with me so I went alone. The doctor went over the results and said I had something called PCOS (Google it) and that with my hormones as out of control as they were I'd be lucky to be able to have children using fertility drugs but it was unlikely that even that would work.

At first I was numb and in shock. I couldn't believe what I had just heard. How could all of the dreams that I'd had for my life disappear with one test result? When I got home, I cried. I did a lot of crying after that. I often hid my tears from everyone. I'd cry at night after Jeremy went to bed or I'd cry in the shower. I felt like my body was failing me to do something that was so natural to most other women and it didn't seem fair.

We didn't have the funds for fertility drugs at the time and I was still young so we figured we'd try for a while on our own just to see what happened. Month, after heart breaking, month ended the same. Not pregnant. It was stressful for both of us and yet it wasn't something we shared much with other people because it seemed private and it also seemed to make other people uncomfortable.

I remember being invited to countless baby showers in the last year of our trying. Instead of being able to share in the joy of my friends I felt a crushing sadness come over me. As everyone played games and said "Awww' over all of the cute baby things I'd sit there wondering how long it would be until I could come home and cry. When was it going to be MY turn? Would it ever by MY turn?

In September and October of '09 I had 5 showers to attend. By then I was depressed. Deeply depressed and yet I put on a happy face for everyone around me. By the last shower I felt like I was at my breaking point. I hadn't been feeling well and I thought it was a mixture of my PCOS symptoms coupled with desperation.

Little did I know that by the time I attended the last two showers I was already pregnant. The day I got that positive test is tied with my wedding day as the most exciting day of my life. It was finally MY turn! For 9 months I dreamed of what my baby would look like. I shopped, organized and reorganized while I waited. Finally, the day came. I'll never forget the moment I first held Ben in my arms. I finally knew what it was all about. I really thought my heart my burst with love.

Now, in just a few days that little boy, my beautiful little boy will turn four years old. Four years ago my dream came true and I couldn't be happier. I can't believe my baby is going to be four.

A Little Sliver of Hell

That's right a little sliver of Hell is living under the fingernail of my ring finger on my left hand. Sliver of Hell = Splinter for those of you who may not read my Facebook.

A few days ago I was irritated with my husband because he didn't take the trash out. He then piled more crap on top of the can so it was practically overflowing. In all fairness he was sick with a stomach virus and hadn't felt up to dealing with it, even so I was irritated. So I huffed over to the trash can and pushed the garbage down so I could lift the bag out without all of the funk falling out all over the place. In my process, which was filled with huffs, sighs, grumbles about having to do everything and answering a million questions from Ben, I somehow slid my finger down the door frame and ended up with the sliver of Hell under my nail. I let a few colorful words fly before I remembered that my son was standing right there (we need one of those word bleep things that they use on TV).

After a few minutes it didn't hurt so much. I tried to get the splinter out but even though I could feel it, I couldn't see it. So I left it alone. I didn't think much of it over the next few days except when I banged on something and it hurt. Well today, it suddenly hurt a lot. My finger was hot and when *gross out warning* I pushed on the side of my finger pus came out. EWWWW!

So now I have to go to the doctor tomorrow (actually today since it's after midnight). I'm still awake because I dread going to the doctor. I don't care if I have to go because I'm sick but this is different. I have a feeling it's going to involve needles (OMG) or a scalpel (double OMG). Anyone who has known me for a while knows that me no likey needles!

I'll cry like a baby I just know it. I'm a total wuss about stuff like this. I try not to be, really I do. I can't help that my heart starts racing and I feel all panicky just thinking about it. I'm a freak what can I say.

Why did it have to be my ring finger? It would have been at least a little bit funny if it had been my middle finger. Then when people ask which finger hurts I could flip them off as I showed them!

Dun Dun Dun The Dentist

I have a fear of the dentist. Most people who know me well know this. My husband actually had to drag me in once while I cried. I didn't have this fear as a child. I was young and unassuming then! When I was in my early 20's I started having problems with a wisdom tooth. It had come in funny and was causing me pain. The dentist that I went to as a kid didn't accept my new grown up person insurance so I had to find a new dentist. My old dentist would have happily give me the happy gas and things would have been so much easier. Not this new dentist. No sir, no way. This guy apparently enjoyed the sadistic torture that is dentistry.

First, this guy told me he was going to numb me up to have the tooth removed. I was expecting the gentle pinch that my old dentist would administer. I have never been so wrong. That S.O.B drove that needle straight into the roof of my mouth and I nearly went through the roof of the building with pain. I should have walked out right then but I figured since I was already numb what more could really happen. Well that guy started to yank my tooth and I wasn't completely numb yet that's what. You know how cartoons see stars above their heads when they are hurt? Yep, that was pretty much me. He then jammed a needle into my not numb at all gum. I was finally numb and he pulled the tooth. I never went back there or to any other dentist for much to long.

Now I am plagued with dental problems and my stomach just hurts to even think about going to the dentist. I do when I have to but I avoid it as much as possible. I've found a better dentist but the anxiety still gets to me.

What I hate the most about my fear is that I'll pass it along to my children. I have terrible teeth and I don't want them to have the same problems. So I've started taking them at a very young age. They both went today. Ben got his first real cleaning and he did a great job! I was so proud of him. Maybe next time I go to the dentist I'll take him with me and he can hold my hand and talk me through it. Jillian had her first ever dentist visit today and she cried and fought to get away. I totally felt her pain. I've acted similarly, only she's 16 months. I'm 30 so I guess I can't use age as an excuse for myself. Right?

*taps invisible microphone* Is this thing on?

I love my children. I love my husband. I do not like their selective hearing ability. As a matter of fact it just very well send me into one of those cozy backward jackets and into a padded cell.

Ben is the worst lately. I feel like I am talking to myself most days. I tell him to do something or to STOP doing something and I am met with *blank stare* and then he continues on either doing what I told him to stop doing or not doing what I told him to do.

I don't like to yell. I don't like to be the mean mom but some days I feel like I have no choice. I think this child has lost his mind of the last few weeks and I'm about to lose mine! Part of it is his age and I keep reminding myself that he's only testing me and this too shall pass. The other part of it though is he has the listening capabilities of his daddy. I swear that man can turn his ears off and on. I could tell him something 3 times and then later he'll say I never told him. If I counted up all of the "Huhs and whats" that came out of his mouth during our over 10 years of marriage.....well I'm not even sure I could count that high.

It's days like these that I think of how you hear about how people in many decades past had a cocktail in the evening. It was like a home version of happy hour. I'm thinking that those people must have had children and that maybe they were on to something. I should start some kind of movement to bring back Happy Hour the Home Edition.

Momzheimer's

*Just a little note* I am not in any way making fun of anyone who has Alzheimer's Disease. Just so we're clear.

I've been a mom for nearly 4 years now and I'm pretty sure my brain has deteriorated significantly since then. Just in that last sentence I had to slow down my typing and really think about how to spell deteriorated and significantly. Spelling used to be my forte. Now I find myself having to really think about how to spell words that once came easily to me.

I'm totally convinced that something happens to a woman's brain once she becomes a mom. I don't think we become less intelligent by any means but our brains function differently than they did prior to having children. I've talked to other women about this and a lot of them feel the same way.

Not only do I not spell as well as I used to, I can't seem to remember anything. I walk into a room and forget why I walked in there. I log onto the computer with the specific intent to do a particular thing and as soon as my browser opens I suddenly forget what it was I intended to do. I'll call someone to tell them something and by the time they answer the phone I cannon, for the life of me, remember why in the hell I called them in the first place.

I can't even tell you how many times I've driven right past where I intended to go because my mind is going a million miles an hour. Suddenly, I'll end up somewhere wondering "how in the world did I get here?" Tonight I was on my way to a meeting and had planned to stop at a store to get a cup of coffee on the way. I passed the store and suddenly remembered that I was supposed to stop so I had to turn around and go back.

I really think I suffer from Momzheimer's. Seriously, someone should do some real research on it. I'd love to see the difference in brain chemistry from before and after a woman has a child. I wonder if it's something that gets worse with each child that you have. If that's the case, Michelle Duggar's brain must look like a moth-eaten mess!

Post holiday let down

Once Halloween is over I start really looking forward to Christmas especially now that we have little kids in the house. I count down the days until Black Friday and I spend weeks planning my lists and where to get the best deals. I love Black Friday!

After Thanksgiving and Black Friday are over I really get started on Christmas. Even though it's a lot of work I love the final look of having all of the decorations up and the tree all lit up and pretty. The tree is always my favorite. It has been ever since I was little. I have to decorate it a particular way (thanks to my mom!) but it's something I enjoy.

I have two beautiful children and they make Christmas even better. This was the first year that our 3 year old really understood Santa and the anticipation of Christmas. He had actually asked for certain gifts and we were able to get him those things. I was so excited to see his face Christmas morning. We spent a nice Christmas Eve together. We drove around looking at lights, saw Santa, opened our new jammies and read "Twas the Night Before Christmas." After the kids went to bed we began the mad frenzy of playing Santa.

After a lot of lugging, some last minute wrapping, and rearranging Christmas had arrived under our tree. Once that was all finished Jeremy went to bed and I was able to enjoy one of my favorite moments each year. I turn off everything but the tree lights and just sit there and enjoy the multi-colored glow of the tree and the sound of peace and quiet.

Ben was every bit as excited as I thought he'd be Christmas morning. He eagerly opened his gifts as well as most of his little sister's! She mostly drank her milk and tried to figure out what was going on. His little face lit up with even the simplest of gifts. The most wished for gift this year was Thomas the Train stuff and boy did Santa deliver! Ben was in train heaven!

We spent the day with family and we played with the new toys and all too soon it was over. I was exhausted but in a good way. I didn't feel too sad yet because we still had to have Christmas with Amanda and then my in laws so I was looking forward to that. Amanda came and we enjoyed that. Ben really had a blast playing with her. All too soon she was gone again.

At least I still had New Year's to look forward too. I'm not sure why since we don't even do anything! We have little kids so we just stay home and watch TV and have some snacks. Now it's a new year and the celebrations are over.

Like every year I have some post holiday let down. It's sad that it's all over. The decorations came down today and I felt sad packing them up. I miss my tree and it's pretty glow. In some ways I'm glad Christmas only comes once a year because it does end up being so much work but it makes me a little sad knowing that I have to wait a whole year for it to come again. That means my kids will be a whole year older and I think that's the hardest part for me.

Oh well...it's 2011. Hopefully this year will bring lots of good things to those I love.

Dirty Jobs

I love that show (although I haven't seen a new one in a long time). It's interesting to watch and well if I'm being honest, Mike Rowe is kinda hot. Just don't tell my husband. He thinks I watch it because I'm being nice and letting him control the TV!

Now poor Mike has done all kinds of things that most of us would never want to do. He's cleaned up all kinds of assorted animal crap, dead things, rotten things and trash. He's climbed into tight, dark, dirty spaces that make me nearly have a panic attack just thinking about it.

What I like to know is why he's never done a show about being a stay at home parent. It's a rewarding job but it sure can be dirty. I've cleaned up the diapers that were nearly vomit inducing. Speaking of vomit, I've cleaned that up as well. My children treat me like I'm a walking tissue and are always wiping their noses on me! Gross! I have to check my shirt to make sure I'm not covered in snot before I leave the house.

I clean up spills and scrub food off the floor. I have to empty out that half filled sippy of milk that has somehow found it's way under the couch and has been there for who knows how long! I've been peed on, pooped on and spit up on. I've leaked milk all over myself at very embarrassing times. In the first few weeks after Jillian was born there were days that I was desperate for even a 5 minute shower and I had to run my tongue over my teeth to remember whether or not I had already brushed my teeth.

So Mike Rowe I challenge you to a day as a stay at home parent!

It's been one of those days

*I overslept and had to rush around getting the kids and myself ready to take Ben to school.

*I, of course, ended up behind someone who insisted on doing 25 mph in a 35 mph zone. Jeremy has said it before and he's right (mark that one down in history)...it's a really good thing that I don't have a gun. We don't have bail money to get me out of jail.

*I went to pick Ben up from school and Jillian pooped on the way there so I had to change her at his school. She proceeded to scream and thrash like a bear caught in a trap while I changed her.
I went to get Ben and received a bad report from his teacher. He apparently had a very bad day.

*Not only had he pooped in his pants (again) he also was the bully of the day.

*I made him take a nap after lunch but Jillian wouldn't stop shrieking so he couldn't sleep. I sent him to my room where he proceeded to get into everything.

*Ben later refused to eat his dinner and threw his fork to the floor 4 different times and was finally sent to his room.

*He continued his day of bullying by tormenting his little sister by stealing away anything she put her little hand on. She responded by shrieking at ear splitting volumes.

*Bedtime finally arrived and I was nearly giddy with excitement. I should have known that due to earlier events bedtime would not go well.

*Jillian slept for about 10 minutes before starting to scream. I was about to get in the shower so Jeremy took care of her. I came out to find her playing in the living room with Ben. Guess she decided she wanted no parts of bedtime.

*I decided to hide in the bedroom for some peace and quiet while Jeremy dealt with them! He finally got her to sleep and then he attempted to get Ben to bed. Screaming, crying and an all out tantrum followed.

*I hear Jeremy begging him to go to sleep. I hear him making empty threats. Ben continued to scream. Then mean mommy came out. I was absolutely done with that behavior for the day. He was asleep less than 10 minutes after Mommy took over again.

Tomorrow better be a better day!

My beautiful girl is one!

One year ago today I gave birth the the most beautiful little girl! At 5:14 a.m on November 4, 2009 Jillian Alyse entered the world weighing a hefty 9lbs 12 oz. This past year has been amazing. She is such a sweet and happy baby!

She cries sometimes but she's easily consoled. She almost always full of smiles and laughter. I could spend a day just staring at her beautiful, dark eyes with their long curly eyelashes. I've never seen eyes as dark as hers and they were like almost from the very start.

Almost every day she makes her favorite silly face at me. She squishes up her little button nose and grins this really big grin. Even when I'm in a bad mood it makes me laugh. She is a very active little girl. Much more physically active then Ben was at this age (I guess because she wants to keep up with him). She is constantly climbing onto the coffee table or getting into something. She definitely keeps me busy.

Jillian is already taking 3-4 steps at a time. She's still unsure of herself but I don't think it'll be much longer before she's walking all over the place.

We had a big birthday party for her on Saturday the 30th! We did a cupcake theme and it was so much fun! Jillian looked so pretty in her pink dress and I think she had a fun day.

Today was kind of a crummy day even though it was her birthday. I have an abscessed tooth so I haven't felt up to doing much. I had wanted to go earlier this week to buy her presents but wasn't up to it so I went today. Of course it was pouring rain so I had to take both kids out in the nasty weather. We picked out some nice gifts for her and then went out and had pancakes for lunch which Jillian loved! I had planned to go out and get her a cake when Jeremy got home from work but he ended up being late....really late. So I quickly baked her a cake while the kids ate dinner.

Since Jeremy was so late I finally just gave her her presents and she seemed happy. Then we did the cake where Jeremy came home. I wanted to be able to get some really nice pictures of her today but with the weather being so crappy I didn't get the chance. Hopefully, I will soon!

I have so much more I want to say but the pain meds (for my tooth) are making my head swim now!

So much to say

Wow things have been so busy lately. We had something planned every weekend this month. It's been pure craziness. To top it all off I was in charge of Ben's Halloween party at school and we had Jillian's first birthday party and Halloween to deal with.

The house looks like a tornado ripped through it. Jillian's party was yesterday and stuff is every where. We didn't even have the party here! I just let other things go in order to get ready for the party so my goal this week is to get the house back in order.

Ben's party was fun! The kids were adorable and I think they had a good time. He actually wore his costume this year for their little parade. Last year he cried and refused to wear it. My little boy is growing up.

Jillian's party was fun. I can't believe that her first birthday party is over now. She'll be one on the 4th so that's still a few days away but the big party is over. I did a cupcake theme for her and was up to my eyeballs in cupcakes! She looked so beautiful in her little party dress. I did really well and didn't cry at all during the party. I cried when I got her ready and then again when I had a few moments alone later. It's wonderful watching her grow up but it's bittersweet in some ways because she is very likely my last baby. It's hard thinking about the fact that this will be the last 1st birthday party that I will plan. We had a great day though. Our friends and family came to help us celebrate and Jillian was the star of the show.

Today was Halloween. Ben was Buzz Lightyear and he decided it was the best costume ever! He was so excited to wear it. This year he really got the whole concept of Halloween. He walked up to houses and knocked on the door. He ran from each house yelling "Mommy! I got more candy!" His eyes were practically popping from their sockets. After a while though he was ready to go home. It was windy and he doesn't like the wind.

Jillian was Raggedy Ann. She truly was a living doll. I had someone make the costume for her so it was all hand made. She looked so cute! Her costume had a special meaning for me. I bought a Raggedy Ann doll for her after I found out she was a girl. I took it to the hospital with me and took her picture with it after she was born. Then I took her picture with it on the 4th of every month to show how much she'd grown from month to month. Since her birthday is so close to Halloween I decided I wanted to dress her as Raggedy Ann for Halloween and then do some of her 1st birthday pics in the costume with her doll. She got tons of compliments while we were out tonight. Three random strangers took her picture because they thought she was so cute. I swear those beautiful dark eyes of hers and that sweet little smile could melt any heart.

I'm glad this week is over. Now I can look forward to and dread (all at the same time) Jillian's actual birthday in a few days.

Busy weekend!

Actually the whole month is cram packed. I've felt like I haven't had much of a life for the last few months and now I have to much to do! This weekend we have a wedding/reception to go to on Saturday and then another wedding reception to go to on Sunday.

I'm looking forward to the wedding on Saturday because just Jeremy and I are going. My parents are watching the kids for the day. Jeremy and I don't get much time together. We can't even sleep in bed without a kid between us most nights or one of us ends up sleeping in another room with one of the kids. So it'll be nice to have a grown up night out!

The kids are going with us to the reception on Sunday which I hope will be fun too. I bought the most beautiful dress for Jillian and I can't wait to show her off in it! I will admit that I love showing off my kids. They really are my pride and joy. They are the best things I've ever done with my life. I often look at them and just can't believe that they came from me.

Well I need to get to bed. I'm reading Under the Dome by Stephen King on my Kindle (which is the most awesome thing ever by the way) and I only get to really read once the kids go to bed.