New Year's Resolutions

I will exercise, eat right and lose weight. *Oh crap, I just ate like 5 cookies. So much for that one*
I will spend less time on the computer. *Uhh...I'm blogging right now so there goes that one*
I will be more patient with the kids *OMG They're screaming so loud that I'm sure the neighbors think I'm murdering them...so much for patience*

Oh screw that whole resolution thing. Does anyone really stick to those things? It seems like a good way to set yourself up for disappointment. I don't need that! Who wants to start off their year disappointed in themselves? Not this girl. Resolutions are for suckers. I'm good the way that I am!

Love

I've always wondered if my kids know how much I love them and if they understand exactly what love means. I tell them that I love them all of the time but how exactly do you explain to a child just what love really means?

I think Ben is starting to figure it out. Today, he and Jill were at the table eating dinner and I was at the stove making dinner for Jeremy and me. Jeremy walked over and stirred the onions that were cooking in the other pan and then he put his arms around me and kissed my cheek. Ben had turned around and was observing us and he asked "Mommy, do you love Daddy?' I told him that yes I love Daddy very much. He then asked, "You love me too, right?" I said that I loved him all the way to the moon and back and he replied, "I like that you love us so much Mommy."

I like that I love them so much, too. It feels good to have that kind of love to surround me every single day. I may get frustrated, angry and overwhelmed on a daily basis but I also feel so much love for them and from them every day. I love when Ben gets into my bed in the middle of the night and puts his arm around my neck. When I ask him why he's in my bed he tells me that it's because he loves me or that he misses me. I love when I go to his school for something and his face lights up when he sees me and he yells "MOMMY!" like I'm some kind of rock star. I love when Jill squeals with happiness when I get back from being away from her even when it's only been a few minutes. I love the way she runs up and hugs my legs and acts like she never wants to let go. I love when she snuggles up on my lap or gives me hugs and kisses without me even asking for them.

We may not have a lot of money. We may not be able to afford to give the kids countless presents for Christmas or take fancy vacations. But my kids will never go a day without feeling loved. It is my greatest gift to them. Loving their dad, my husband, is another gift to them. It's important for them to see their parents love and respect each other. I hope that it will help them in their own relationships with others some day.

The Ripple Effect of Suicide

"Some people don't appreciate what they have til it's gone." This was the final Tweet from a 16 year old girl who ended her own life last week.

Sixteen years old. The same age as my stepdaughter. I actually met her once. When Amanda was in 3rd grade we went to her class to visit. We brought snacks and read them a story, Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. We had a great time and the kids loved it. There were lots of questions about our "accents." They live in Rhode Island, we're from New Jersey. Anyway, there was a little girl named Liza in that class. I remember her. Out of all of the children in that class, she is the only one that I remember (other than Amanda obviously). She was this petite, beautiful, giggly little girl who seemed so full of life. She was excited about us being there and asked us to visit again. Seven years later and I still remember her.

How could that little girl who was so full of life no longer be living? I haven't seen her since that day. When I heard about what happened I looked her up and found her picture. She was beautiful, just as beautiful as I remembered her, only more grown up. She had the kind of beauty that turns heads.

From what I've been told, she took her life because she was being bullied. I don't know if that's the real reason or not. But then again do we ever really know the real reason(s) why someone would choose to end his or her own life? No matter how well we think we know someone we really never truly know what is going on in that person's head. Sometimes, I'm not sure we even know those things about ourselves.

I've spent this week thinking about Liza a lot. I'm saddened by the fact that she ended her life but I'm also saddened by the fact that while she was alive she was suffering so much that suicide not only became an option, it became a reality. No 16 year old girl should have to suffer that way. No person should have to suffer that way.

A girl I met only one time has had a powerful effect on me. My heart hurts for what she must have been feeling and for what her family and friends must be feeling now. Maybe it's because she was the same age as Amanda and was one of her classmates, that this has had such an effect on me. It hits close to home. Teen suicide happens a lot more often than most of us realize. Bullying has always existed but with the current technology, there seems to be no escaping it. Now bullies can taunt you in school, through texting, email, Facebook, they can Tweet it all over the world in a matter of seconds and once those words or those pictures are out there you can't retrieve them and hide them somewhere.

Something needs to be done. Now. Today. Yesterday. But what? How can you make kids understand the effect that bullying can have? How many kids need to die before people really get it?

Swiss Cheese Brain

It's been quite a long time since I've blogged. I don't know why I got away from it but I'm sure I could come up with a million excuses. But I don't have the energy for that tonight so let's just say I suck!

I've posted before about having mommy brain. I think it has progressed to Swiss Cheese brain. I can't think straight....ever it seems. It's kind of like trying to think and focus when you're just on that edge between tipsy and drunk. You know what you're thinking about but for some reason the details and edges are just a little fuzzy and when you wake up in the morning you have nothing but a vague recollection of those thoughts.

Between 2 kids, a husband, a home, pets, taking care of my business stuff and being PTO president at Ben's school I feel like I have no time to just focus on any one thing at any one time. My thoughts are incomplete and the thoughts that I do have just disappear into the black hole that my brain has become.

I forget everything. Appointments, where I'm going when I'm driving, whether or not I already put the laundry in the dryer, what I had planned to make for dinner that night, sometimes I really have to stop and think about my kids' birth dates. I have to constantly retype stuff because I go back to reread and realize it doesn't make any sense. I misspell stuff which is very unusual for me. I've always been a great speller but it's like I lost the ability.

When I first realized how bad things had gotten in my poor little mind I got worried. I started thinking "Oh my God! I have a brain tumor." That's got to be the reason that my brain has more holes than Swiss Cheese. I considered seeing a doctor and yet I expressed my fears to no one.

Then I really started to think about it and I realized that I have too much on my mind, my thoughts are always going in a million different directions, my thoughts and actions are constantly being interrupted by something else, and I don't get enough sleep. Hurray! It's not a tumah! .

So if you're ever talking to me and I seem spaced out please don't be offended. I probably fell into one of the holes in my brain and I'm busy trying to find my way back out.

My Beautiful Boy is 4!

Since it's after midnight, it's officially Ben's birthday. He is now 4 years old. Tonight when he went to bed I hugged for the very last time as a 3 year old and then I cried. I couldn't help it. He's growin up so fast.

He's becoming much more independent and wants to everything himself. He tells me that he's a big boy and that he can do it! He is still my cuddly, sweet boy though. He may wipe off my kisses now but he still loves to snuggle up on my lap or climb into our bed at night. Some nights he climbs in, gets between us and tell us "I missed you guys" and then he snuggles up and goes back to sleep. I try to appreciate each and every one of those moments because I never know when it'll be the last time. I know eventually he'll decide that he's to old to snuggle up with Mommy and when that day comes I'll miss it.

Over the past 4 years he has brought so much joy, laughter and love into my life. I never knew how fierce and powerful love could truly be until I first held him in my arms four years ago. He's so sweet and funny! He's really developing a sense of humor (he's going to need it in this family!). He's incredibly loving and sweet with Jillian. He is always hugging her, playing with her and telling her he loves her. He is the most amazing big brother I could have ever imagined.

There are days when he tests my patience (okay...it's more like every day who am I kidding), drives me crazy and does things he's not supposed to but I guess that's his job right? He's talkative like you wouldn't believe (well if you've met me you'd believe it LOL) and he's very bright. I've truly enjoyed watching him grow and learn over the past four years. This will be a big year for him. In the fall he'll be starting preschool every day. He'll get to ride a school bus and he's already very excited about that. Going to school will mean being away from home for a part of every day and making new friends. I know it'll be hard to send him off at first but I know he'll love it. He's a very social kid so I think he'll really thrive in school.

Well I better get to bed. We have lots to do tomorrow, well technically today, to celebrate the birthday boy! Happy Birthday Ben! I love you all the way to the moon and back.

I remember a time when...

I remember a time when I thought I'd never be a mom. Ever since I was little I couldn't wait to have kids. I got married fairly young. I was only 20 at the time and while I did want kids I was still in college at the time so we decided it would be best to wait for a while. I was still really young so waiting a few years didn't seem like a big deal. Little did I know how long I'd end up waiting.

A few years into our marriage I started having female troubles. I'll spare you all the details on that one. I had some blood work done and my doctor called me to come in for the results. Jeremy wasn't able to go with me so I went alone. The doctor went over the results and said I had something called PCOS (Google it) and that with my hormones as out of control as they were I'd be lucky to be able to have children using fertility drugs but it was unlikely that even that would work.

At first I was numb and in shock. I couldn't believe what I had just heard. How could all of the dreams that I'd had for my life disappear with one test result? When I got home, I cried. I did a lot of crying after that. I often hid my tears from everyone. I'd cry at night after Jeremy went to bed or I'd cry in the shower. I felt like my body was failing me to do something that was so natural to most other women and it didn't seem fair.

We didn't have the funds for fertility drugs at the time and I was still young so we figured we'd try for a while on our own just to see what happened. Month, after heart breaking, month ended the same. Not pregnant. It was stressful for both of us and yet it wasn't something we shared much with other people because it seemed private and it also seemed to make other people uncomfortable.

I remember being invited to countless baby showers in the last year of our trying. Instead of being able to share in the joy of my friends I felt a crushing sadness come over me. As everyone played games and said "Awww' over all of the cute baby things I'd sit there wondering how long it would be until I could come home and cry. When was it going to be MY turn? Would it ever by MY turn?

In September and October of '09 I had 5 showers to attend. By then I was depressed. Deeply depressed and yet I put on a happy face for everyone around me. By the last shower I felt like I was at my breaking point. I hadn't been feeling well and I thought it was a mixture of my PCOS symptoms coupled with desperation.

Little did I know that by the time I attended the last two showers I was already pregnant. The day I got that positive test is tied with my wedding day as the most exciting day of my life. It was finally MY turn! For 9 months I dreamed of what my baby would look like. I shopped, organized and reorganized while I waited. Finally, the day came. I'll never forget the moment I first held Ben in my arms. I finally knew what it was all about. I really thought my heart my burst with love.

Now, in just a few days that little boy, my beautiful little boy will turn four years old. Four years ago my dream came true and I couldn't be happier. I can't believe my baby is going to be four.

A Little Sliver of Hell

That's right a little sliver of Hell is living under the fingernail of my ring finger on my left hand. Sliver of Hell = Splinter for those of you who may not read my Facebook.

A few days ago I was irritated with my husband because he didn't take the trash out. He then piled more crap on top of the can so it was practically overflowing. In all fairness he was sick with a stomach virus and hadn't felt up to dealing with it, even so I was irritated. So I huffed over to the trash can and pushed the garbage down so I could lift the bag out without all of the funk falling out all over the place. In my process, which was filled with huffs, sighs, grumbles about having to do everything and answering a million questions from Ben, I somehow slid my finger down the door frame and ended up with the sliver of Hell under my nail. I let a few colorful words fly before I remembered that my son was standing right there (we need one of those word bleep things that they use on TV).

After a few minutes it didn't hurt so much. I tried to get the splinter out but even though I could feel it, I couldn't see it. So I left it alone. I didn't think much of it over the next few days except when I banged on something and it hurt. Well today, it suddenly hurt a lot. My finger was hot and when *gross out warning* I pushed on the side of my finger pus came out. EWWWW!

So now I have to go to the doctor tomorrow (actually today since it's after midnight). I'm still awake because I dread going to the doctor. I don't care if I have to go because I'm sick but this is different. I have a feeling it's going to involve needles (OMG) or a scalpel (double OMG). Anyone who has known me for a while knows that me no likey needles!

I'll cry like a baby I just know it. I'm a total wuss about stuff like this. I try not to be, really I do. I can't help that my heart starts racing and I feel all panicky just thinking about it. I'm a freak what can I say.

Why did it have to be my ring finger? It would have been at least a little bit funny if it had been my middle finger. Then when people ask which finger hurts I could flip them off as I showed them!