Feeling....well I don't know what

Jeremy put away the baby swing tonight. Jillian's almost 10 months old now and it was time. She loved her swing and used it often up until 3 weeks ago. She was getting to big for it and we began to only use it occasionally and for the last week we haven't used it at all.

I couldn't look while he did it. I was on the phone with my mom and trying to fight back the tears. That swing held both of my babies. Now both of them are too big for it. I remember the first time that I put each of them in it. I remember how tiny they looked sitting there. It was almost as if the swing had swallowed them up. As of last week Jillian's legs dangled quite a ways over the edge of the seat and the swing had started to creak under her weight! How did she get so big so fast?

Half of my dining room is currently filled with out grown clothes and the bassinet. We want to have a yard sale soon and there's a children's resale event coming up so I've got to get the stuff ready to sell. It hurts to think about it though. It would be nice for someone else to get some use out of that stuff but it makes me sad to think that I won't have another baby that can use it.

When I had Jillian I surprisingly felt like I wasn't finished with having children. I had been so sure up until the moment that they handed her to me. The second she was in my arms I thought "I don't want this to be the last time that they had me a new baby." In some ways I still feel that way and in other ways I realize that our family could be complete now. The days where I feel like I'm about to lose my mind I find myself thinking "yep no more kids for me!" Then there are the moments when I look at them and see how quickly they are growing, the moments when Jillian falls asleep with her head on my should and I feel her warm breath on my neck, the times when I snuggle her in my arms and smell her fresh from the bath sweet scent, the nights when I cuddle up with Ben in his bed and he tells me "I love you moon back Mommy." Those are the moments that make me sad that I won't experience those things with another child.

We have a total of 3 beautiful children though. I got very lucky and had 2 very healthy pregnancies. All of our kids are happy and healthy and watching them grow is a true joy. I'm not ready to completely close down the baby factory by doing something permanent but I think I'm getting closer to being at peace with having 2 of my own children and one beautiful stepdaughter.

Holding my babies for the first time is something I hope I'll never forget though. I remember that exact moment for each of them. I remember the way I felt and I remember looking at Jeremy and thinking about how amazing it was that he and I had created the beautiful life that was now nestled in my arms. It was incredible and overwhelming. I am sad that I won't experience it again.

Wonder if a straight jacket would help.....

Tonight I gave Jillian a bath and this is how it went.

1. Start bath water.
2. Gather towel, wash cloth, pajamas and lotion.
3. Tackle giggling baby and wrestle clothes and diaper off of her.
4. Laugh out loud at baby who is very happy to be naked.
5. Grab naked baby who is now crawling away and carry her to the tub.
6. Secure baby in tub and wash her hair and body and then let her play for a bit.
7. Clean up resulting mess of bath tub play time.
8. Use baby's towel to dry myself off.
9. Remove slippery, sweet smelling baby from tub and wrap in damp towel.
10. Lay baby and towel on the living room floor (we don't use fancy schmancy changing tables in this house!) and grab lotion.
11. Grab baby from where ever she's crawled off to and lay her back on towel.
12. Keep wrestling her back onto the towel as you apply lotion.
13. Cap lotion, grab diaper.
14. Capture baby once again and put her back on the towel.
15. Put diaper under baby and make 5 attempts at wrestling her into it.
16. Give up for a bit and let her crawl around naked.
17. Recapture baby and make attempt #6 at diapering.
18. Get diaper on baby even if it's crooked consider it a success. When she leaks in the middle of the night make daddy change her.
19. Tickle baby and blow raspberries on her belly and soak up the sound of her sweet laugh.
20. Attempt to wrangle giggly baby into pajamas.
21. Slip jammies over her head, slip arms in, and then lay her down.
22. Lay her down again.
23. Lay her down again.
24. Finally say "Okay you win" and give up for the time being.
25. Make a bottle for baby, feed her and breath in her clean baby smell.
26. Enjoy the fact that she's actually being still for a minute.
27. Button jammies after she's asleep and pray you don't wake her up.
28. Tell your husband "next time it's your turn" even though you know that next time it'll be all you again!

I considered finding a straight jacket but I think I need it more than she does!

The reason I never accomplish one task

It'd be easy to blame it on the kids but really it's because of me (well sometimes it's the kids but mostly it's me). I have some type of cleaning ADHD. It's crazy. Here's what happens.

Let's say I decide to clean out a closet. I get myself all psyched up for it and ready to get started. I open the closet door, take a deep breath and begin to tackle the job. So far so good right? Right...but then the ADHD takes hold.

I decide that some item should be moved to another closet. I go to that closet and realize "Hmm I should clean this one too so I have a good place to put this item." So then I decide to tackle that closet first. I pull everything out of that closet and decide some of those items need another home somewhere else in the house. I make a pile of stuff for Jeremy to take down to the basement (and then said pile sits there until he gets tired of my nagging a month later and does it) and then I begin redistributing items to other locations throughout the house. Which starts the problem all over again. I open a cabinet and think "Hmm there are a few things in here I should get rid of" or "I really should put these things in a place where I'll be sure to use them more often."

After a while I get overwhelmed, plop myself down in the chair, turn on the computer and write a blog about it!

A Doodly Dilemma

I felt brave (or maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment) and I decided to take the kids out to lunch and a store today. I've done it before and while it's normally exhausting I've survived it. I wasn't so lucky today.

People always seem so excited to potty train their kids and act like it makes life so much easier once they're potty trained. Nope, no no no it's not. With diapers when they go you change the diaper and that's that. With potty training you end up making mad dashes to the bathroom all for what turns out to be a fart.

We went to lunch first. I asked for a high chair for Jillian and then Ben decided he wanted one too. I got them both settled and we ordered drinks. The waitress comes back and sets the little pitcher of creamer for my coffee right in front of Jillian who immediately reaches over and knocks it over. I get that cleaned up and we order our food.

Then Ben loudly announces "Mommy! I have to poop!" So I get him out of the high chair, get Jillian out of hers, grab my purse and off we go.

Here comes the dilemma.......WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH JILLIAN WHILE I BALANCE BEN ON THE POTTY SO HE DOESN'T FALL IN?

Luckily the floor didn't look to dirty and it was the handicap stall so I was able to put her away from the potty. My purse is a messenger style bad so I put it on the floor and opened the flap and sat her on it praying she wouldn't lean down and lick the floor or something.

I balanced Ben on the potty and he farted and said he was done. Seriously Ben? We ran in here for a FART? I got everyone washed up and went back to the table. We start to eat and my food sucks so I send it back. Then Ben announces again that he has to poop.

All that was different this time was that he did pee. Well at least it didn't seem like a wasted trip.

We move on to the store. Five minutes in Ben announces that he pooped in his "unnerwear." I sincerely hoped he was once again mistaken and that he'd just farted again. Once again we race to the bathroom. Only one stall was available and it was tiny. I check Ben and realize that yes indeed he has pooped in his pants. Crap! (literally) Now where was I going to put Jillian.

I ended up strapping her to the baby changer (which was right across from the stall) and kept the stall door open while I stripped Ben's lower half and cleaned him up. By this point Jillian is screaming and I'm ready to join her.

Ben was miserable while we finished shopping and so was Jillian until I gave her my keys to play with. They both fell asleep on the way home. I won't be attempting that again any time soon.

Things That Go Bump, Woof, and Vroom Vroom in the Night

As a child of the 80's I've seen the Chucky movies and maybe that's why it get all freaked out when the kid's toys start playing in the middle of the night.

I'm a total night owl (which I'm sure is obvious since my blogs are always posted late). It's my peace and quiet time when Jeremy and the kids are all sleeping. Some days it's the only quiet time that I get so I cherish it!

During that time I'm usually in the living room using my laptop. I'm relaxed and soaking up the silence. Then it happens....."It's learning time" chimes the Laugh and Learn Puppy or "Vroom Vroom" as a certain toy car revs its engine. Now none of these toys are motion activated. They need to be touched in some way to be activated and yet these freaky toys just randomly turn themselves on and make noise...scaring me in the process. Totally freaks me out.

I must have a dark mind. Why can't I imagine something wonderful like that these toys are waiting for me to go to bed so that they can wake up and play a la Toy Story? Why must I imagine that they do this for some sinister reason.

Maybe I need to sleep more. But if I'm sleeping I can't enjoy the silence. So freaky toys scaring the crap out of me it is!

Why must they scream so loudly?

I love Ben. I really do but some days I feel like he is dangling dangerously from my last nerve! Today was one of those days. He was whiny and having temper tantrums practically from the moment his feet hit the floor this morning. I'm already not a morning person and waking up to whining is not my idea of a good way to start the day.

Some days he can just be outright defiant. He'll do something that he's not supposed to do so I'll tell him not to do it again. He'll look right at me and do it again. There are times when a punishment of some sort works. We put him in time out, send him to his room, take a toy or something away. I've even spanked him and I hate that I've done that. It didn't do any good anyway.

Today was just tantrum after tantrum and the afternoon got even worse. It's hard for me to fit in time to take a shower so I often end up taking one mid afternoon when the kids are napping. It works out great for the most part because then I can shower in peace. Well today the shower woke Ben up for some reason and he refused to go back to sleep. So he had a very short nap which threw him off for the rest of the day. This lead up to the temper tantrum to end all tantrums.

Seriously, I was ready for his head to spin and for green pea soup to spew from his little mouth. Who was this kid and why in the hell was he screaming bloody murder in the middle of my living room. I actually peeked out the windows a few times in fear that neighbors, police, the ambulance, and DYFS were ready to beat down my door in fear that we were harming him. No one was even touching him. This child screamed so loudly that I was afraid he'd really hurt himself.

He eventually calmed down though and there were only a few minor tantrums for the remainder of the day. I ran away to Walmart for a few a bit this evening ALL BY MYSELF! I contemplated living there like Natalie Portman in Where the Heart Is.

These tantrums leave me wondering.....is it possible that 3 year old boys suffer from PMS?

Dare I Say It?

I think Ben is potty trained. I'm almost afraid to type that out for fear that the second I think it and say it he'll regress for one reason or another. He's really been doing great though! He doesn't really have any accidents at home. He had a few last week at nursery school but I think it was because he was nervous about telling them he had to go. Plus their potty is bigger and someone has to hold onto him so his little tushy doesn't go for a swim!

We had our fair share of accidents at home for a few days. I was brave and went right for the big boy undies instead of doing Pull ups (we used those for nap and bedtime). I'm sure my carpet didn't appreciate it. This reminds me....I should write a thank you note to the Spot Shot company because that stuff rocks!

I didn't know what to do when he peed on the carpet. I didn't want to make him feel bad about it but it did start to get annoying. It's not like with a dog and you can just rub their face in it or something. Well I guess I could but that would ruin my chances at winning that "Mom of the Year" title I'm going for! Not to mention that would be a DYFS worthy call! So I cleaned it up and reminded him that "next time you have to pee pee on the potty because Elmo does not like to be peed on."

I'm so excited to be down to one kid in diapers! I hardly have to buy any because I mostly cloth diaper Jillian anyway! Can you say SAVINGS!

I can't believe how much my little guy is growing up though. He is so funny and smart. Even on days when he's dangling from my last nerve he never ceases to make me smile.

I tell him every night when he goes to bed "I love you to the moon and back." Tonight I laid with him to get him to sleep. He rolled over to face me and before I could say a word he put his sweet little hand on my cheek and said "I wuf you to the moon back Mommy" and then he kissed my forehead like I always do to him. Tears. I cried. I couldn't help it. I felt like that scene in The Grinch where his heart grew 2 sizes that day. I really thought mine might just explode right out of my chest.