Where did my baby boy go?

Over the last few months Ben has finally started talking more. Now over the last few days it's been a vocabulary explosion. I've been working really hard with him. Between that and his therapies it seems to be helping. The vocabulary alone makes him seem so much more grown up.

It's not just the words though. He's becoming so much more independent and playing more like an older kid. Today he completely undressed himself. He's been able to get pants, diaper and socks off for a while but for the first time today he got his shirt off. Then he ran to his room and started getting clothes out. He said "I dessed" meaning he wanted to get dressed.

Later he got on all fours and crawled around the house barking and saying "I dog." He's loved his cars for a long time now but now he's much more interactive with them. He even names them. He'll park one and say "oh Mama home." Then he does the same thing with other cars and calls them Dada, Jill, RJ and whoever else pops into his head.

It's so amazing to watch this progression but it's a little sad too. It's like each day a little more of my baby slips away. I know that's how it's supposed to go but it still makes me a bit sad. He sure is fun right now though. He makes me laugh every single day. My poor parents probably get tired of me because I'm always calling to tell them the latest Ben story. The one from tonight was hilarious but I'll keep that one to myself because it would be potentially embarrassing for him some day.

Well it's time to feed the baby that is actually still my baby and to peek in on my baby who isn't quite my baby any more.

They love you anyway

Kids seem to have this amazing ability to do something that few others can. They love you no matter what. They don't care that you aren't dressed in the top fashions, they don't care that you don't drive an expensive car, they don't care if your hair is a mess and that you don't have any makeup on. They just love you plain and simple.

Even on the days when I've lost my patience with Ben and haven't taken the time with him that I should he loves me anyway. I experienced that today. Jillian had a doctor's appointment for her 4 month checkup. She got several shots and was not a happy baby later at home. She screamed for well over an hour. She's normally pretty easy to soothe but this time she was inconsolable. I had tried everything I could think of and finally called the doctor's office. I was on the phone with the nurse while Jillian was literally screaming in my other ear. I was absolutely at my breaking point. Of course Ben picked that exact moment to start shaking his cup in my face yelling at the top of his lungs "more juice mama more juice" and he repeated it over and over again. I told him to please wait a minute. He kept asking and just yelled louder and louder. I got off the phone with the nurse and yelled at Ben. He ran to his room in tears and right away I wished I could take it back. I know he was probably just as frustrated by the baby's crying as I was and I wasn't fair to him.

I apologized and got him his drink. The rest of the day continued to be tough. Ben was a particularly active 2 year old today. The noise level in the house was more than I could take. I was on the edge. I was tired and stressed. I wasn't nearly as patient with him today as I should have been.

Then bedtime rolled around and all I could think was "finally, some peace and quiet." Normally, Jeremy puts Ben to bed because I'm often feeding the baby. Lately though, Ben has wanted me to read to him instead of Jeremy. Tonight was no exception. He seemed to forget all about my rotten Mommy moments from today. He grabbed 2 books and my hand and lead me to his room. He happily snuggled up next to me and we read. After the stories were over he snuggled up and put his forehead to mine. He reached up and stroked my cheek as I've done so many times to him. At that moment it was so very clear to me that he loves me. He loves me in spite of my flaws. He loves me even when I'm not the very best mom that I should be. I love that little boy. I love him much more than I ever thought I could love and in more complex ways than I ever thought were possible.

One of Those Days

Ben got sick again this weekend and threw up for his very first time ever. I've always hated puke but for some reason this didn't bother. I think it's because all I was worried about was making sure he was okay and trying to comfort him. Poor baby was so scared.

He seemed better today and finally got his appetite back somewhat. However, he was incredibly whiny today. He normally does very well when I have to comfort Jill or feed her but today every time I held her he whined. He whined all.day.long.

I had Jeremy give him a bath and put him to bed early tonight because I just couldn't take it anymore. Between the two of them today I thought I'd lose my mind.

Jeremy and I were going to go to a movie yesterday but we didn't because Ben was sick. Now that he's better we're going to try to go tomorrow. This will be the first time we'll have gone anywhere without at least one kid since Jillian was born.

My parents are going to watch the kids. I'm so grateful but I'm nervous too. It'll be the first time that I've left her other than to run to the store for a few minutes and even then she was home with Jeremy. I know they'll take good care of her but being separated from her makes me feel a little panicky.

I really need the break though. Really.

Weekends

Why do weekends always pass so quickly? I don't even work outside the home and yet I always look forward to the weekends, especially the ones when Jeremy isn't on call. It's just nice when we have some uninterrupted family time. It's also nice to have an extra pair of hands for a while. Plus I know Ben misses his Dad while he's at work so it's good for them to get some time together. Jillian is too young to really care either way I think. As long as her food source (me) is present that's all she really cares about!

Tomorrow will be Monday again and with that comes taking Ben back and forth to school a few times, several speech therapy appointments and all of the housecleaning and laundry that I put off over the weekend. It also means not being able to get even a little bit of time to sleep in.

Oh well 5 more days until the weekend!

I Always Knew

I always knew that I wanted to be a mom. Being "mommy" to my dolls was one of my favorite things to do. I also had a great mom so I knew I wanted to be like her.

I got married pretty young...at least by today's standards. I was 20 and Jeremy was 25. This year we'll be celebrating our 10th anniversary so obviously it worked for us. Since I was young we weren't worried about having kids right away. I was going to college and we were both working. We enjoyed our time together and since he already had a child that fulfilled my need to have a child around even though she wasn't with us full time.

After a few years I received some medical news that made it look like it may not be possible for me to have children. I was devastated. Much more so than I think I ever let on. We eventually started to try anyway and month after month it didn't happen. I felt broken. I remember telling Jeremy that he should just leave me and that I wouldn't blame him for it. He didn't though. He was there for me every step of the way and for that I will always be grateful.

After 2 years we had finally stopped trying. I was going through a particularly bad time because I'd been to about 5 baby showers within a few weeks. By the last 2 I was pregnant but didn't even know it. I finally got pregnant and I was so happy! That beautiful little miracle is now a happy go lucky 2 1/2 year old.

That happy go lucky 2 1/2 year old also has a 3 month old sister! That's right it happened again! I have to beautiful and amazing children and every day I look at them and think about how incredibly lucky I am to have them.

Right now Jillian is asleep right next to me and she is so unbelievably beautiful and peaceful. I sit here watching her little belly rise up and down with each breath. I watch her eyelids flutter from time to time and wonder what experience in her 3 months she is dreaming about. Her little hand is curled beneath her chin...it's the hand that I held and she fell asleep. She has beautiful dark eyelashes and I wonder if they'll stay that way like her brother's. There is truly nothing more peaceful than a sleeping baby.

I always knew that I wanted to be a mom.

Being outnumbered

Jeremy had to go away for a few days. This leaves me outnumbered day and night until he gets back! It's not so bad during the day because I'm used to that. I have some "I want to rip my hair out" moments and occasional "I want to smash my head into the wall moments" but other than that things are usually pretty good. That being said though by the time 5 pm rolls around I'm ready for Jeremy to be home to give me a hand. Luckily, he's a great husband and a great dad and he just jumps right in to help with whatever I need.

Dinner is usually the biggest challenge. Ben tends to get whiny around that time and Jillian almost always seems to be awake then. So he usually wrangles the kids while I cook. Then I kid wrangle while he cleans up. We're a good team!

Bedtime is hard when it's only me because Ben likes someone to lay with him which is usually Jeremy because I'm taking care of the baby. So on nights when it's just me I either have to wait until Jillian goes to sleep or I have to lay in bed with her and Ben and hope she's quiet enough for him to fall asleep.

I honestly don't know how military wives do it when their husband is deployed. Often they are also far away from family. I'm lucky that my parents are close by and very helpful. Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without them! I really can't imagine Jeremy being away for months or even a year or more at a time. Just knowing that he'll be gone for 3 days makes me miss him. :(

In Need of a Break

I love being a mom. It's the best thing I've ever done with my life and I have no regrets about having kids. They are amazing and I love them more than words could ever say. Only another parent could really understand that.

As much as I love them there are days where I really could use a break. We had been in the house since Thursday and today is Monday. We had a ton of snow so we couldn't really go anywhere. Jeremy had to work Friday and all day Sunday so Sunday he wasn't around to help with the kids at all.

Jillian hasn't been sleeping well and now refuses her pacifier at night and wants to use me instead. This leads to me being woken up every 1/2 hour or so. I've been desperate for some sleep but haven't even managed to get them to nap at the same time so I could take at least a quick nap too.

Today we did get out of the house. It was nice but it is a lot of work to take two little ones out alone. We went to the doctor's office for a quick baby check up. While we were there Ben needed a time out because he wouldn't stop getting into everything. So when the Dr walked in Ben was sitting in a chair crying his eyes out. He redeemed himself though and was extra cute in the grocery store when we stopped there on the way home. Of course he fell asleep in the car which led to no real nap which led to everything going downhill from there.

We made some Valentine's cards for his grandparents and his teacher and he kept trying to write on the table but we had fun anyway. After that he needed a nap but refused to take one. I fed the baby and got her to sleep and decided to make dinner. I made lasagna with meat just for Jeremy because I know he loves it. He's been working hard and I wanted to make him something nice. I get started and not 5 minutes into Jillian wakes up. She won't settle back down so I have to finish while she cries like crazy. Meanwhile, Ben is getting into everything and whining. Jeremy finally walks in the door and goes to walk the dog. I feed Jillian so she goes back to sleep, finish up dinner and put it in the oven. Then Jeremy's phone goes off and he's off to work again. That phone rings and he goes running no matter what is going on at home that moment.

Ben has a complete meltdown when his Daddy leaves again so I sent him into his room where he falls asleep. Dinner was ready so I sit down by myself to eat some lasagna. I got the fork halfway to my mouth and Jillian wakes up. So I eat one handed while holding her in the other. She kept fussing so I gave up and walked away from the table still hungry.

Ben heard Jillian crying so he woke up crying. I finally get Jillian back to sleep and work on settling Ben down. He didn't want to play. He didn't want to eat and he didn't want to take a bath. Finally, I got a bath ready anyway and he screamed bloody murder. Jeremy finally got back home but I made him go eat because I knew he was starving. I got Ben into the tub and he calmed down. He still refused to eat though even though we offered several things. I did half of the mountain of dishes that had accumulated while Jeremy tried to get Ben to sleep but then Jillian woke up. Ben refused to go to sleep so he got up to play. Jeremy finished the dishes while I fed the baby.

Finally, we got Ben to bed and Jillian fell asleep. I want to go to bed but I know the second I move Jillian she's going to wake up and we'll start this process all over again. Even though I'm exhausted I just want to enjoy the quiet for a few minutes before I poke the bear! She's due for a diaper change and needs to get into her pajamas so I know she won't sleep through all of that. I hope I'm not in for another night of being a human pacifier.