It's a Two Blog Night

Siblings

I've never really known how to answer when people ask me how many siblings I have. Generally, I answer that I have one but that's not really the truth. I have two. I'm actually the middle child but I didn't grow up that way. I had a sister but never got to meet her. She died before I was born and my daughter is now named after her. It was kind of my way of getting a little piece of her back. If Angels really do exist I hope that my sister is one and that she is watching over her little namesake.

I wish I had had a chance to meet my sister. I've only seen pictures though and I actually think my daughter looks a bit like her. Both of my kids have her forehead. Sounds weird but it's true. I always find myself wondering what she'd be like and if we'd have been close. I have a brother too and he and I are quite a bit different so I wonder if she would have been more like me or more like him or perhaps completely different as well. I love my brother and he's an awesome little brother but we don't spend much time together because we are at very different places in our lives. He's super busy with work and church and I'm busy with the kids and husband. I love him though and think of him a lot even when we haven't caught up with each other lately.

I was in JC Penneys yesterday and saw a bib that said "My Auntie loves me." I felt kind of sad when I saw it because my kids don't really have an aunt. They'll never know my sister just like I never knew her. Jeremy's brother has a wife who technically speaking is their aunt but she barely qualifies as a human being let alone an aunt and has never really even met either of my children. Anyway, I was actually tempted to buy the bib because I like to think that if my sister had lived that she would have loved them just like I like to think that if she had lived she would have loved me and I would have loved her.

I've always thought about her and anyone who has known me since I was a kid knows that I've always planned to name my first daughter Jillian after my sister. That's part of the reason that I wanted a girl so badly. Now that I have my own little Jillian I find myself thinking of my sister more often. I think about it a lot actually. Maybe if she had lived I wouldn't exist but I tend to not think of it that way. I find myself wondering why I was robbed of having my older sister and why my parents were robbed of being able to watch their first born daughter grow up. As a parent myself now that idea hits me even harder. I always knew that what they had to have gone through was really hard but now that I have my own kids the loss that my parents went through is enough to make my heard break into a million pieces.

So I think if anyone else ever asks me how many siblings I have I may change my answer. Instead of saying one I'll say "I have two. One in the flesh and one who lives in my heart." Even though I never met her I do feel that she lives in my heart.