Feeling....well I don't know what

Jeremy put away the baby swing tonight. Jillian's almost 10 months old now and it was time. She loved her swing and used it often up until 3 weeks ago. She was getting to big for it and we began to only use it occasionally and for the last week we haven't used it at all.

I couldn't look while he did it. I was on the phone with my mom and trying to fight back the tears. That swing held both of my babies. Now both of them are too big for it. I remember the first time that I put each of them in it. I remember how tiny they looked sitting there. It was almost as if the swing had swallowed them up. As of last week Jillian's legs dangled quite a ways over the edge of the seat and the swing had started to creak under her weight! How did she get so big so fast?

Half of my dining room is currently filled with out grown clothes and the bassinet. We want to have a yard sale soon and there's a children's resale event coming up so I've got to get the stuff ready to sell. It hurts to think about it though. It would be nice for someone else to get some use out of that stuff but it makes me sad to think that I won't have another baby that can use it.

When I had Jillian I surprisingly felt like I wasn't finished with having children. I had been so sure up until the moment that they handed her to me. The second she was in my arms I thought "I don't want this to be the last time that they had me a new baby." In some ways I still feel that way and in other ways I realize that our family could be complete now. The days where I feel like I'm about to lose my mind I find myself thinking "yep no more kids for me!" Then there are the moments when I look at them and see how quickly they are growing, the moments when Jillian falls asleep with her head on my should and I feel her warm breath on my neck, the times when I snuggle her in my arms and smell her fresh from the bath sweet scent, the nights when I cuddle up with Ben in his bed and he tells me "I love you moon back Mommy." Those are the moments that make me sad that I won't experience those things with another child.

We have a total of 3 beautiful children though. I got very lucky and had 2 very healthy pregnancies. All of our kids are happy and healthy and watching them grow is a true joy. I'm not ready to completely close down the baby factory by doing something permanent but I think I'm getting closer to being at peace with having 2 of my own children and one beautiful stepdaughter.

Holding my babies for the first time is something I hope I'll never forget though. I remember that exact moment for each of them. I remember the way I felt and I remember looking at Jeremy and thinking about how amazing it was that he and I had created the beautiful life that was now nestled in my arms. It was incredible and overwhelming. I am sad that I won't experience it again.

Wonder if a straight jacket would help.....

Tonight I gave Jillian a bath and this is how it went.

1. Start bath water.
2. Gather towel, wash cloth, pajamas and lotion.
3. Tackle giggling baby and wrestle clothes and diaper off of her.
4. Laugh out loud at baby who is very happy to be naked.
5. Grab naked baby who is now crawling away and carry her to the tub.
6. Secure baby in tub and wash her hair and body and then let her play for a bit.
7. Clean up resulting mess of bath tub play time.
8. Use baby's towel to dry myself off.
9. Remove slippery, sweet smelling baby from tub and wrap in damp towel.
10. Lay baby and towel on the living room floor (we don't use fancy schmancy changing tables in this house!) and grab lotion.
11. Grab baby from where ever she's crawled off to and lay her back on towel.
12. Keep wrestling her back onto the towel as you apply lotion.
13. Cap lotion, grab diaper.
14. Capture baby once again and put her back on the towel.
15. Put diaper under baby and make 5 attempts at wrestling her into it.
16. Give up for a bit and let her crawl around naked.
17. Recapture baby and make attempt #6 at diapering.
18. Get diaper on baby even if it's crooked consider it a success. When she leaks in the middle of the night make daddy change her.
19. Tickle baby and blow raspberries on her belly and soak up the sound of her sweet laugh.
20. Attempt to wrangle giggly baby into pajamas.
21. Slip jammies over her head, slip arms in, and then lay her down.
22. Lay her down again.
23. Lay her down again.
24. Finally say "Okay you win" and give up for the time being.
25. Make a bottle for baby, feed her and breath in her clean baby smell.
26. Enjoy the fact that she's actually being still for a minute.
27. Button jammies after she's asleep and pray you don't wake her up.
28. Tell your husband "next time it's your turn" even though you know that next time it'll be all you again!

I considered finding a straight jacket but I think I need it more than she does!

The reason I never accomplish one task

It'd be easy to blame it on the kids but really it's because of me (well sometimes it's the kids but mostly it's me). I have some type of cleaning ADHD. It's crazy. Here's what happens.

Let's say I decide to clean out a closet. I get myself all psyched up for it and ready to get started. I open the closet door, take a deep breath and begin to tackle the job. So far so good right? Right...but then the ADHD takes hold.

I decide that some item should be moved to another closet. I go to that closet and realize "Hmm I should clean this one too so I have a good place to put this item." So then I decide to tackle that closet first. I pull everything out of that closet and decide some of those items need another home somewhere else in the house. I make a pile of stuff for Jeremy to take down to the basement (and then said pile sits there until he gets tired of my nagging a month later and does it) and then I begin redistributing items to other locations throughout the house. Which starts the problem all over again. I open a cabinet and think "Hmm there are a few things in here I should get rid of" or "I really should put these things in a place where I'll be sure to use them more often."

After a while I get overwhelmed, plop myself down in the chair, turn on the computer and write a blog about it!