Feeling....well I don't know what

Jeremy put away the baby swing tonight. Jillian's almost 10 months old now and it was time. She loved her swing and used it often up until 3 weeks ago. She was getting to big for it and we began to only use it occasionally and for the last week we haven't used it at all.

I couldn't look while he did it. I was on the phone with my mom and trying to fight back the tears. That swing held both of my babies. Now both of them are too big for it. I remember the first time that I put each of them in it. I remember how tiny they looked sitting there. It was almost as if the swing had swallowed them up. As of last week Jillian's legs dangled quite a ways over the edge of the seat and the swing had started to creak under her weight! How did she get so big so fast?

Half of my dining room is currently filled with out grown clothes and the bassinet. We want to have a yard sale soon and there's a children's resale event coming up so I've got to get the stuff ready to sell. It hurts to think about it though. It would be nice for someone else to get some use out of that stuff but it makes me sad to think that I won't have another baby that can use it.

When I had Jillian I surprisingly felt like I wasn't finished with having children. I had been so sure up until the moment that they handed her to me. The second she was in my arms I thought "I don't want this to be the last time that they had me a new baby." In some ways I still feel that way and in other ways I realize that our family could be complete now. The days where I feel like I'm about to lose my mind I find myself thinking "yep no more kids for me!" Then there are the moments when I look at them and see how quickly they are growing, the moments when Jillian falls asleep with her head on my should and I feel her warm breath on my neck, the times when I snuggle her in my arms and smell her fresh from the bath sweet scent, the nights when I cuddle up with Ben in his bed and he tells me "I love you moon back Mommy." Those are the moments that make me sad that I won't experience those things with another child.

We have a total of 3 beautiful children though. I got very lucky and had 2 very healthy pregnancies. All of our kids are happy and healthy and watching them grow is a true joy. I'm not ready to completely close down the baby factory by doing something permanent but I think I'm getting closer to being at peace with having 2 of my own children and one beautiful stepdaughter.

Holding my babies for the first time is something I hope I'll never forget though. I remember that exact moment for each of them. I remember the way I felt and I remember looking at Jeremy and thinking about how amazing it was that he and I had created the beautiful life that was now nestled in my arms. It was incredible and overwhelming. I am sad that I won't experience it again.